My fight

Well here we go again, that struggle of having big plans (not huge to be honest but big for me as in getting out there) being cancelled due to weather, pain, exhaustion or other less publishable (yep spell check I know, I know but I made this word up so still valid) reasons.
I am in a good but thoughtful mood. Little iffy about going anywhere due to actions of another that has increased the daily struggle of life tenfold and has made me feel that I cannot dare relax even in my own home. Those actions now taken from me my outlets from my ilness’ even on my better or good days. For that along with even worse behaviour they will never be forgiven.
So every day now will be more problematic. Another barrier to tumble over before I can do more than exist.
People do not tell you how being ill, physically weaker strips all your other defenses from you. They do not express how much your previous self worth and respect really does mean. You have no idea yourself until you lose it.
Our society views the sick and disabled as worthless and even worse lazy good for nothing scum that drain the countries resources. Why do people thing like that? Because they are told to do so by the press, government and even soaps.
A very few years ago the laws were changed to incorporate a new type of offence ‘hate crime’ however I was told by a stolid chap from Derbyshire Constabulary a few months ago that was really only used in cases of ‘racism’. To that officer I say Tosh! Any crime against a person that singles them out through discriminatory behaviour is ‘hate crime’.
Hate takes many forms but when the detrimental actions of another solely are carried out to build upon and expose them further to a vulnerability that is due to that person being identified as belonging to a sociological minority group it can be vile. I now feel as if my home is may not be home much longer. That the things I gained throughout my working life I will now be judged as not worthy to own. That the means of escaping my illness’ on those extremely rare good days will be either lost or used as a reason for the ultimate sanction.
Every day is a struggle to get up and face the world but now far more so. Paranoia of strangers, feelings of unease, a fear of the postman, and loss of what remaining confidence I had been able to muster, mean that I now believe I should only function in ‘safe mode’.
I have lost the pride I had in my home, the security of knowing this was my home. I cannot find the energy to challenge it any longer.
I said at the beginning I am in a good mood, I am. I awoke with a pleasant demeanour and wish ill upon no one. Despite the issues I have written here I am not sad nor low. I am being a realist. I recognise this as my lot and know that many tens or even hundreds of thousands here in Britain and millions within our world are in far worse positions than me. I realise that they each cope on a daily basis and strive to survive. I admire each and every one of them. For my real weakness beyond all else is that of my own values, my non acceptance of this reality. I fear no one else, but scare the willies out of myself. I do not often see such darkness in others. I have compassion, I truly do but also recognise the sociopath deep inside that will never accept this person I have become that exists in a deteriorating shell that once was a living keep, now but a Bastille of the worst kind.
I am in that affable state of realisation. Of knowing where I was and where I am now. These words are a rambling, they are not deep as some may interpret, nor an indication of a dark depression. They are me using words to express and make sense of. So why publish them if not some cry for help? Because when I write my true feelings others thank me for it often expresses their thoughts also. It helps to see we are not alone, that others fight this daily fight, their battles may be subtly different but the losses are as high and the outcomes oft become the same.
So if you too have a war within, the inner warrior that wants to gain victory over their current health, i can say with true honest you are not alone. Nor ever will be. If you are trapped in a limbo that seems to have no chance of escape take heed we too are an army, just one without a recognisable general.
I will always be here for anyone that needs me, for that truly is my self worth, my purpose. It is who I always was and still am. I may face my daily challenge, and yes others may chose to exploit each vulnerability I have but with every breath I take I will remain a protector, I will live by my morality and will not dishonor myself. They may not be your values, your choices but they are mine. So I continue my fight and within that will always stand to fight for others too. That is who I am. I am me, I am Jonesy.
Sorry for this long unabridged rant but I needed it.
Jonesy.