Value of me?

So the Tories are saying NHS cannot afford to cure everyone if pandemic takes hold so sick and disabled will not be treated. That’s me dead then. NAZI doctrine.

No life is worth more than another. Not yours or mine, and not even the Queen or Boris have more right to life than any of us.

So Boris if I am to likely die what reason have I got to respect or obey your laws? If I am valueless and to you have no right to life why should I or anyone respect your rights?

You are showing that genocide is within your personal so called moral stance as is with beating, bullying and corruption. Ooops I forgot about taunting homeless folk and bigotry including racism.

As I see it you are a disease blighting Britain. You are far more dangerous than any pandemic.

Just to be clear I am not making threats or inciting folk. I am trying to make sense of a 21st century world where the likes of you hold power and are not challenged by the people or press.

Your own often fanatical Tories hold you in contempt as a joke. Sadly you are not a joke, you are a cruel, callous, self serving corrupt murderer of the same ilk as Hitler, Mussolini and Himmler. You are truly dangerous to not only the British people but all life on our damaged and suffering planet.

If I was your judge I would have no second thoughts of condemning you like you seem intent of condemning me and every other vulnerable person in the UK and abroad.

Scum truly does rise to the top.

If I am to die because of your policies as my brother did, I will not slip away quietly. You will know I am gone.

Again no threats just a promise to the world that I see my life as more than you do so I will live and die if need be by holding my head high and making a difference.

I am but one voice from many legions of people. I am not alone, are you?
Again no threats, no incitement just a old man’s musings on his place in this world.



OK so there seems to be a thing about people falsely claiming benefits.

I can only talk for me. On a good or rather better day you will see me out on motorbike that to be honest is easier than driving a car and does me more physical good. My specialists tell me to ride as much as I can because it keeps me moving without any major effort. I do hurt getting on and off but whilst riding my thoughts are not often on the pain. I don’t have to lift my bike up nor has any got a kick start. I press a button. Without my bike I would be more isolated and anxious and likely would never leave my home at all.

On my better days I am not without pain I just am managing it better and yes can hide it too. No one likes someone sitting with them crying or groaning so I try not to.

On my not so good days I need my crutches or a stick. Mostly you will not see me then unless I have managed to get to a shop.

On the bad days I need a wheelchair which an OT assessment provided. You will definitely not see me then. On my Truly bad days I remain in bed in excruciating pain crying, writhing and yes screaming.

All my illnesses are invisible and you will rarely see the effects of them on me because we learn very well to hide them.

So what can make me have to endure such pain?
My diagnosed illnesses are:
1 Fibromyalgia
2 Crohs disease
3 Diabetes on insulin (part of the cause of my       brothers death in December)
5 SVT of the heart
6 Angina
7 Anxiety and Depression
9 Asthma
10 Neuropathy
11 Retinopathy
12 first Bite Syndrome
13 Hypertension – hig blood pressure

I could give a list of drugs. Dietary needs. Mobility issues. Embarrassing side effects. I could describe how the Anxiety and Depression make me want to die, but how now even that choice has been taken from me. How I cannot face people at times, I cannot keep many friendships because I can’t face folk. How the constant chronic pain which even Morphine and Oxy have no effect upon drives you to screaming despair, how u cannot plan hour to hour never mind day to day or week to week. I could I for. You of the inability to see any future, the knowledge I am unemployable because on top of all this I get brain fog and now flash backs that can come at any time and destroy me there and then.

I could tel you that everytime I go anywhere I am at risk of soiling myself. That I carry a card to beg leave to use a loo in a shop when desperate, or that I might need to wee every few minutes when my sugars are high.
I could try to explain how I can collapse suddenly or even pass out if SVT is bad. My normal or usual pulse rate is 98 it can go to 200.

I could explain this all and more like the side effects of diabetes causing the need for circumcision, the loss of sensation, the loss of libido, interest.

I could go on and on, with things like muscle deterioration that means I cannot do most things I enjoyed doing, cannot walk distance, cannot hike or rock climb. I cannot canoe any more. I can’t even undo nuts or bolts. Some days can’t bloody dress myself.

I need a heightened toilet which means often I spill, causing the need to bath or shower 3 to four times a day.

When I do get out if on crutches or stick I risk being physically attacked. It’s happened 4 times and not once dis I get support from the police or Courts.

Now you are not my doctors. If I had not told you all this you would never see it. You might even now not believe it.

Before I got ill I had a career with very good wages, prospects and I more importantly had self pride, self worth and yes a reason to get up and be here. I made a difference. I did not give that up to live of nothing without any value to myself never mind society.

Again you may not believe it for its my life not yours. You are just reading these words, I am not sadly just writing them I am living them.

So before you judge folk and call them scroungers, ask yourself what is their life, what’s their story. If they were in plaster or had limbs removed you might have sympathy, but because they look OK Al you see is ‘Scrounging waste of air scum’. Well if that’s true of you please feel free to live my life. Because rto be honest I would give everything to live as I did. Everything, but sadly I cannot.

Please think before you accuse and I promise no one would choose to be sick, vulnerable or disabled in British Society today.

My Brother

In life we learn new lessons most days. On the 29th of December 2019, I learnt the hardest one of my life so far.

My kid brother at 35, (18yrs younger than me) Robert Anthony Jones died. We tried to save him, the police and ambulance tried to save him, the hospital A&E tried to save him. But none of us could. He died in resus.

The doctor and nurse who tried to save him came to talk to me and my dad. When they told us we both broke down. I had never experienced such emotional pain or had been so overwhelmed with emotion that my body shut down and I collapsed to the floor with screams and tears. I could not believe it. I cannot say how my dad felt beyond it must have been worse for him.

We then went to see him in the resus room. I held him whilst he was still warm and wet with sweat. I told him I love him and will always be his brother. I promised to look after his son Alistair, sadly a promise Roberts estranged wife is intent upon me breaking.

This was truly the worst thing I ever had to do, well it was until we got back to my parents house and I had to tell my, our mother that her son is dead.

I have never heard such sounds of complete despair come from the mouth of a human being. She fell to the floor, wailing and sobbing. Both me and dad held her.

Since Roberts death there are hours and even days I don’t cry but when I do I cannot control it. Silly things like making a cup of coffee how he liked it or seeing someone wearing a coat like his, or worse seeing his face in the mirror as I am driving can trigger me.

I hold many people responsible for his death, mainly professionals who should have supported him but are overstretched due to the lie of Austerity. There were two of his so called friends who have raised my suspicion too.

We still have no clear cause of death. There will be an inquest and I am giving a statement to the police tonight.

We have been clearing his home and sadly due to the nature of his illness and how social care let him down it has not been an easy task. My parents are in their late seventies and my own chronic illnesses limit my mobility and ability. We hand the keys in tomorrow.

I am not ‘over’ his death, I never will be, he was my brother and in some small way akin to my son, I break down all too often. My social anxiety is through the roof. The physical and emotional pain have wore me down but that same pain is killing my parents. I am watching them age daily.

We try to stick by each other but the frustration and hurt lead to rows. I look at the loss of life’s glint in their eyes and am so scared I will lose them both too.

If I could keep busy I would but my body doesn’t allow it and my mind will not let me physically heal.

I have never ever felt this pain at loss, its unimaginable. I thought I knew death after many years ago losing two babies at full term with my then wife, but that never prepared me for this.

I want to remember Robert every minute of every hour, I want him to know how much he was loved, but I want the pain to fade. Sadly so far it hasn’t.

Rob was a pain in the arse, his illness made him tetchy and at times verbally aggressive, but he had his morals and loved all his family especially his son.

He was my brother and that’s all that matters. Rob to most, Bob Bob to his nieces and nephews, son to my parents, Brother to our sister Helen, Freddy to me and Daddy to Alistair.

He is missed, he is grieved he is and always will be remembered and loved. My brother.


Death of a TV presenter

Death is cruel at any age, in any way. It often leaves such pain to friends and family. I have no idea of what happens to us after death, whether we are judged or just move on. Maybe we just end? Who knows? I don’t. But I do now know the extreme pain of losing someone you love.
This week a celebrity took her own life, I never heard of her as don’t watch that kind of TV and have no idea of the circumstances. I understand she was berated and bullied in the media but know nothing of this beyond a very real and personal knowledge of how immoral the British press truly are.
I don’t care what this young woman had done, I care that the only avenue she could see was to end her life. I care about the despair and hurt her family would be going through in ‘normal’ circumstances without seeing her picture all over the TV, the papers and social media. What they are feeling now given the pain I feel at the loss of my brother I still can only imagine. Most people have been supportive and kind to me and my family, yet to the family of this woman it’s seems many are just repeating the views laid out by others despite how unkind and hurtful they are to her loved ones.
As I say I know nothing of her apart from she was 40ish, on TV and was vilified in the press for some reason. Tbh I am not interested why. She may have been a good or bad person, I cannot judge, but whoever and whatever she was should not mean her family suffer more than they naturally would.
So please please think before you buy into the mass immorality that has swept the UK in recent years and try to think about what truly matters.
We are living in a country where every single hour people are dying or taking their own lives through the inhuman actions of an immoral greed ridden government, so whatever your thoughts on a single celeb or rather a human being as I like to see her, just make a small difference and try to be kind. Your words cannot hurt her but can destroy those who cared about her.