Xmas ramblings

Well last night saw kids, my best friend and my folks. Went out for my dad’s birthday. Was lovely. My Xmas done now so free to have a lazy time without stress. No pressure or commercialism. It’s been perfect.

The best present a dad can ask for

If we’ll enough Weds I am getting bike out and just riding til I have to turn back. No idea Thursday yet. I am so glad it’s worked out like this now. I have no expectations so no disappointment. No pressure so no pain. A few days to myself without worry of a knock on the door or a threatening letter. It actually for the first time for me ever might do me some good.

Even house is fairly tidy.

Still scared about my brother but can’t change things for him at the moment. Until he accepts help what will be will be sadly.

I am more worried about the ongoing effects on my folks. Again all I can do is be there if needed.

I have had to come to terms with not changing the world yet but now I have joined the British Association of Journalists I might have more of a voice to effect some change through writing the truth.

Today is a positive day and I am hopeful for the first time in a while that I can turn at least some aspects of my life around. I cannot make myself well. I cannot run a marathon nor walk up a hill. I cannot just cheer up, man up or chin up. Things won’t be better in the morning. I will I fear always live in constant pain and can likely never take a job even part time but I can and will write. I will share my plight and that of others. I can through my experience and the words within me hold this government, society and individuals to account.
Facebook is no longer my only forum.
So anyway I digress. For those of my friends celebrating either the Christian meaning of Christmas, or just following the commercial god of greed please have a wonderful time. My thoughts are truly with you.

For the rest of us let’s wish peace and true caring. Let’s pass on our empathy and understanding to others. Even a simple smile or acknowledgement that you recognise another as being human too can make all the difference.

If you pass a Homeless person on the street don’t just throw money at them, stop, smile and make eye contact, ask them how they are, you might be surprised at the person you meet.

But if you see someone being rude or arrogant, you know the type. I won’t waste time describing their affluence, their attitude then challenge them. If they push you or others speak out. If they are aggressive and self important put them in their place. Show them that humanity does exist, that manners do maketh the humane human. That only the obtuce such as them deserve ridicule.

It’s those little things that are important right now, not wealth or materialism, just humanism.

Well how I see things anyway.

So merry Xmas or not, we all care and please never feel isolated or alone. Me and so many others are here if you need us.

Like I said my Xmas is done, so if you are feeling like you need to shout, scream, cry, laugh or just talk I am here for anyone that needs me. Only ever at the end of the phone. Just be careful though you may end up with a big biker knocking on your door to just pass on that smile.

Take care folks

Being disabled in 21st Century Tory Britain

Just read this in Bristol Live, kinda says it all. Not so much about the individual case of a 70 odd year old filmed delivering catalogues but of how society expects the disabled to be:

‘A “manipulative” man who said he was disabled and claimed almost £90,000 in benefits has been jailed after he was filmed living an

active life.’

So in effect being disabled means you cannot be active, so if on better days you are then you are a criminal. I find that beyond evil.

I personally never ever have a pain free day. Every single day I awake in pain. I have constant peripheral pain in my arms and legs, my feet and hands, my torso and my stomach. On some days I manage that pain, and that’s when folk may see me for an hour and rarely sometimes a little more.

I also am in constant danger of collapse or soiling myself through the effects of a crohns flare up, I have to manage that when trying to plan anything.

I have brain fog meaning I can become confused or forgetful due to my illnesses so that along with the depression and anxiety I constantly battle means I am also socially anxious and nervous. Often avoiding friends and situations where I am likely to be expected to personally interact with others.

Chest pain can cause me to double up and again some of that is anxiety and stress of social situation or trying too hard to support others in my family and the wider society, but also due to heart issues and the SVT that seems to be getting worse. My blood pressure is usually in stage 2 hypertension as well as my pulse anywhere from 95 to at times over 200bpm.

I am controlled by the meds I take from the heavy duty immune suppression tablets meaning I have to avoid infections including the common cold, to the extreme pain killers, and have to juggle the pain meds to avoid addiction and dependency.

I have had to and continue to have to undergo truly embarrassing and at times painful procedures from cameras to having to have minor but life changing surgery such as circumcision.

The constant exhaustion means I cannot plan, cannot join a club or have any organised hobby. I cannot commit to anything at all. When I say exhaustion it’s not just feeling a bit tired, it’s your body reacting as if you have ran three marathons consecutively but not moved from your chair.

Each day I fight to find reason to continue on this path, and some days its a real uncertainty that I will. Of course the Prime Minister Boris Johnson keeps making reference how for mental health issues work is the answer, as in the motto that National Socialist Germany put over the gates of concentration and death camps eradicating the disabled, “work makes you free”.

I know people play the system, but on a day I manage my pain, my mood, my crohns and my heart is not playing up too much (not a good day as I never ever have a good day just a manageable one, unlike today) people will look at me and question how I am disabled. They will likely assume I am fit despite my slow speed and at times confusion.

I am fiercely independentas have little pride left, and will not allow others to undertake my chores within the home nor do my shopping.

They will never see me in my wheel chair because on those days I refuse to leave the house and often crawl from room to room. Very rarely on my crutches and only occasionally when I need my stick. Why? Because whenever I have allowed others to see my vulnerability I have been physically attacked. 5 times that has happened in public places and ond once in my own home. and not once have the police investigated or tried to keep me safe.

So now I hide away if I look ill, or I hide the pain. I dope myself up to undertake basic tasks out of the house but in the home for fear of addiction I just try to grin and bear it until the pain levels become too much or the exhaustion combined with the pain starts to drag me into temptation of taking everything at once. There may be a day that happens and it will not be for attention, it will be through the daily despair I feel.

That’s the life many people will never see of me, and I am but one person, there are millions with crohnic illness and invisible disabilities in the UK and each one of us is living in constant terror that we will either be attacked or arrested for being seen as too ill and therefore vulnerable fair game to this bigoted society, or too well to be disabled or ill therefore a criminal not entitled to the little support we reciev.

Every single day we have to decide if we dare let others see us, or even if we dare show our pain or very occasional joy.

My life is no harder or easier than that of many other disabled folk. Some may mirror mine, some will have different issues but we all fear each day, we fear the pain, the exhaustion, the embarrassment, the anxiety, the confusion that are results of our health conditions but also the threats, aggression, harassment and hatred others within our society focus on us and worse the cruelty our own government and the people that carry out their orders subject us to.

That is what such badly written articles in the press sustain and promote in a society already fuelled by suspicion and hate.

If you are not sick, disabled, ill or vulnerable I pray you never will be. For I would not wish this life upon anyone.



I have folk telling me someone is a socialist or someone is not. So what is a socialist? Do you have to be a marxist? No. Do you have to have read Marx or the Socialist manifesto? No. Do you have to care about others? Hell yes! Do you need to believe in taking from the rich to give to the poor? Yes but not in extreme ways. You need to ensure people pay what is fair. Taking £10 off a person on Benefit (entitlement) is more devastating to their ability to exist and survive than taking £10,000 from a billionaire. That is common sense.
Do you need to be anti fascist? Damn right, because people are people. It doesn’t matter where we hail from, we are all alive, we a feel pain and we all die. Every human has the ability to love but some choose not to. It is not their skin colour, their language, their god, that defines that, nor is it their gender, their ability or their perceived worth to society, its not their sexuskity or what they wear, ride or drive that makes them who they are. Often it is sadly their experiences and environment. If you raise a person in poverty, in an unsafe and hostile environment, if you remove their ability to trust, if you starve them, bomb them and displace them, if you use and abuse them you cannot be surprised when they are suspicious of you, they hide from you or sadly they feel a need to fight back.
In my world of being a biker respect is earned, but we as a society need to earn respect too.
Fairness, hope and safety are the keys to ensuring a society that can grow and develop. Fear, aggression and victimisation only breeds hatred and division. A true socialist chooses the former.
In the UK we currently have the safety nets of benefits, (Entitlements) and the great NHS. They are products of socialism. We at this time have human and worker rights, along with protection for our children and the most vulnerable in society. We now may be on the brink of losing all of that.
We right now have a growing wave of capitalism and fascism once again on the rise. Many in Britain seem to feel we shouldn’t join with other communities, we should end diversity and become an isolated isle. We have not been that since humans developed boats.
Socialism is about inclusion, it’s about giving a damn. It truly is about caring for people, for animals and our world.
If that’s wrong in your opinion then sadly we shall likely never agree on ethics or morality. It does stop us being polite, in talking, in discussing, because that’s how humans bring about true change. If I isolate myself from those who disagree with me how can I change minds, reduce hate, and maybe change the world just a little bit? I may never convince people to believe completely in my principles but I might just get them to think about their hate and distrust of others, maybe get them to question greed?
So folks this is my opinion of socialism, in my view its often the scholars of theory that lose sight of the true meaning in practice. I will never belittle anyone for not quoting the Socialist manifesto. My socialist principles were not learned in books, they were developed through being on the streets fighting for the rights of others, by facing down police and likely soldiers attacking us on the orders of the Tory government of the day, through working and living with the most vulnerable in every aspect of this society.
Someone yesterday claimed Angela Rayner was not a socialist, well I can tell you she grew up on the same streets as me, she lived a life that formulated her values and she stands by them. She cares about others. That’s good enough for me.
So before you spout out some quote to belittle a human that’s trying to fight for fairness and humanity, before you undermine a person trying to do the right thing because they haven’t read the book you have, stop and think. A degree in sociology is not what makes a true socialist and socialism is not communism.
These are very much my views. I defy anyone to tell me I am not socialist. But socialism is not a badge of honour, it is a way of life. It is to me what makes me a true humane human.

Fascism on the rise

As there are now very few of the brave souls who fought fascism in WW2 left let us just remember what they fought against. Let’s ensure we do not enable the rise of hate ever again.
Fascism was and is extreme right wing. It is using hate as a tool to divide the people, it is seeing the sick, disabled and vulnerable as ‘dead wood’ and finding ways to eradicate them. It is deporting people who differ from the majority of the ruling caste through colour, race, religion nationality or culture, if they can not be deported then removing their rights and encouraging hatred and violence against them. Fascism is greed, its a lust for power it’s extremism at its worse. Its stereotyping people with the most negative traits of the worst individual or even made up traits.
I know people who hate all Muslims because of terrorism, yet there are more Christians committing atrocities in this world and the vast majority of Muslims as peaceful and affable human beings, as are most people in any community.
Then folks get excluded, placed in ghettos and sooner or later will be given badges to wear, identity cards, only vouchers instead of money, have to get food from special donation centres (oh hang on aren’t they food banks?).
Sadly here in the UK fascism is on the rise, it is being promoted by the media and their masters the Establishment. It is easier to govern by fear that agreement, especially when the gap between the rich and poor is so great.
Britain is one of the few countries where you can be found guilty of a crime without trial, fixed penalties and cautions are recorded as convictions upon your criminal record. Your acceptance of one is an admission of guilt.
We have. More cctv and facial recognition tech than any other country in the world per head of population.
Under a fascist regime those that are seen as not being able to physically put into society become expendable and a liability. Guess what over half a million folks in Britain have died due to the harsh and cruel benefits regime.
So remember those brave men and women that risked all to fight fascism, remember how media such as the Daily Mail promoted Hitler and praised Moseley’s vile Blackshirts. Nothing has changed there.
To really show respect to the warriors who battled in the dark days of WW2 do not vote for hate, do not vote for oppression or derision.
To truly show respect continue their fight against fascism.

Breakdown of mind

When someone commits an act of terrorism or extreme violence, including murder we see them as extremists but also recognise often in the psyche of these people there is an element of mental illness.
Mental health or mental ill health is an issue for so many humans in Britain today. It encompasses anything from low mood, to full on depression, bi-polar to PTSD, personality disorders, psychosis to sociopath.
Now sociopaths cannot generally be treated by meds or counselling, their beliefs that they are right and society is wrong mean you are unlikely to ever change their presentation. But for most people suffering and existing with mental health conditions/challenges there are effective supports and treatments that if available can make the difference between existing and living, or even dying and living. They can indicate and prevent radicalisation, prevent suicide as well as lowering the risks of injury or death to others.
There will always be some folk that slip through the net and go on to harm themselves or others and that will never be completely eradicated whilst we are able to think for ourselves, however if the services are there, are funded and staffed by trained professional people, they can make a huge difference.
If people can access services and the entitlements (not a benefit because we bloody pay into a system to be given protection from poverty should we need it) they/we deserve then things can be improved to such a degree that ‘incidents’ of mental health related violence or self harm are reduced and become a rarity.
Sadly this government, the Conservative Party government, and the previous Conservative & Lib Dem government have cut funding, slashed services, not recruited staff to even cover natural levels of loss.
Children’s mental health is on its knees, adult now in reality is non existent. I myself had to wait 3 months to be assessed for services due to my continually battling depression and anxiety due to the decline in my physical health, I was and still often am suicidal, to the point I sit with insulin in my hands trying to stop myself from taking it all at once.
After the assessment I was left out in the cold, basically told to increase and keep taking the pills. It hasn’t helped.
Whilst dealing with my own depression I have also been trying to sort out family who also are under great strain, who have depression themselves and one family member very close to me who I am certain has an eating disorder, a likely personality disorder, who is violent, aggressive but also killing himself with deliberate neglect.
I and my family have tried to get him support, tried to give his GP’s information, tried to work with ambulance, police, hospital and mental health liaison to be told they will not assess his mental health.
The problems being one the mental health and capacity legislation is badly written and sadly is being misrepresented to gate-keep to cover the failing services, and the fact if he is diagnosed they suddenly have a duty of care that currently they can ignore.
My family member is 35 and unless he getd the appropriate health he will soon be dead. It is that stark. His physical health is beyond dangerous but everytime we get him into hospital he causes issues on the ward, a doctor comes along and to protect their staff they despite his aggression, his inability to communicate, to understand, assess him as having capacity, so he signs himself out and gets some idiot mate to pick him up and take him back to the squalor he calls home.
This week a previous Facebook friend committed suicide, she had been crying out for help for years but again was ignored. Other friends are in crisis but being ignored.
This is the reality. This is our lives and maybe at some point yours or your children’s lives at risk. If nothing changes now, and I mean immediately then more people will die. A lot more.
Do not let the lie of Austerity continue. Do not allow this or any government to cause death by deliberate and cruel policy or legislation. This has to stop.
This is not meant to be a party political broadcast, but sadly must become one.
On the 12th of this month if you vote anything but Labour you will be colluding with this cruel inadequate service and system that no longer is fit for purpose.
This is not a condemnation of mental health practitioners, for those who have the morality to try to work in this broken society I have nothing but respect, but is a condemnation fully of the administration and governance that has allowed this to happen.


Please read, and share if you wish. But as always please keep my name on it as my writing is my path.