What I truly despise about PTSD, depression, anxiety, loss, pain, crohns, my heart issues and fibro is people see them as inconsequential and choices. They assume if you dare to share their effects upon you that you are being weak or attention seeking.

Well Saturday I was being strong by letting folk know through my posts. I was fighting one of the hardest enemies any of us can face, ourselves.

I did not do any of the things my mind was telling me, no actually demanding I do. I reached out and some fabulous folk recognised it was bad and responded, some people missed it and sadly a very few others likely didn’t care. Some of those particular people being those that share all the supposed mental health awareness posts.

That’s no matter now, I got through the weekend, I am still here, I am not suddenly well though, every single day right now is a constant battle where triggers, walls, mist, and blocked pathways are the weapons my brain uses to overwhelm my decision making, my motivation and sadly too often my argument to take another breath.

I am no worse off than countless others, and probably better off than many in some ways, and I promise this in so many ways is not about me, its about not being too late to recognise friends and just how things are developing for them.

I fight each day, for me it would really be so easy, a simple extra this, or more of that. I have sat planning far more than once, but so far on the whole have been able to find another road that may offer even if briefly some small semblance of hope.

I see folk and they see a joker, a confident possibly arrogant self opinionated bloke, with good friends and a nice bike. And yes that I’d mainly the me I choose to project when out and about, but I absolutely swear that is only 5% of the true me.

I have remained here with difficulty by remembering I am a parent and son, but recently I have begun to realise in my case that is not how I am seen by those involved in those relationships, so that defence wanes daily.

The person I project face to face is possibly the me I would like to be, however the one I am is fighting a constant war withing a limbo of despair and clouds.

I like everyone have little say in how long I remain, and it may be minutes, days, months or decades, in some ways its no longer about length of time, its about manner, whether I continue to hold my own or whether the illnesses prevail.

Today I am not finding holding on as hard as Saturday, but it still is a struggle and the inner conflict rages on and on.


‘2020’ hindsight, still a bit fuzzy?

Remember if we had locked down in February, if we had not had a corrupt government giving mates contracts and paying them our money to steal from us, if we had a prime minister and opposition with a backbone, if we had mandatory masks in February, closed schools, airports, ferries, stopped unnecessary travel even if it was to drive across the UK to test our eyes, if we had a primate minister who did not hide, a government that told the truth, that followed medical guidence, that put human life before their bank accounts and status amongst their friends, Royals that had the guts to shout ‘no’ rather than saying they want to be reincarnated as a killer virus, if we had a nation of people with common sense, prepared to social distance, wear masks rather than stand clapping the nurses, doctors, paramedics, keyworkers as those very live savers died on their feet, if we had a media that itself did not publish fake news and propaganda, if we had a government that had not run down all the health and social care services in the name of Austerity whilst paying for missiles we can never use, if we had focused upon our real enemies instead of a few refugees and migrants, not hating folk because of their gender, sexuality, race, culture, ability, if we had prioritised our families and not our possessions, then maybe, just maybe so many families would not be feeling the pain of loss, the fear of loss, the anxiety of even opening their doors. If we did not live in a country that treats its sick, elderly, disabled and vulnerable as scum, a drain, expendable maybe we would have seen the warning signs and acted upon them.
Yes hind sight is always ‘2020’ , (ironic hey) but looking back it’s easy to be made to believe the mistakes were accidental, not the fault of those in charge, unavoidable.
Just to be clear, the Conservative Government, the Prime Minister, the Leader of the Opposition, the press, and the businessmen asset stripping the UK made no ‘accidental mistakes’. Their behaviour was and is deliberate. They are culpable. They should be accountable, but unless we hold them to account now they will kill many many more.

Disabled scrounging scum?

Let’s be fucking clear, no one would fake chronic illness or disability to live on benefits and be VILLIFIED by society. Get a fucking grip with your pathetic ‘scroungers’ rhetoric. I would hapilly swap my pain with any knob head if it meant regaining my self worth, self respect, health, career and be able to walk in the countryside, climb the mountains, hike the peaks, swim, camp, canoe and dream.
I will give you my illnesses if it means I can regain hope.
So wake the fuck up. People living on benefits are not scroungers, they are not putting it on, they are not faking it. And before you say…. But I know….. Ask yourself are you their fucking doctor, their consultant, their specialist. Do you clean up their faeces, their vomit, help them dress, keep them from taking their lives due to despair?
Do you see them on the bad days, know the pain they fight through to appear ‘normal’?
Have you understanding of fear of being judged, watched, called, criminalised for daring to have odd days you cope with your constant pain?
Do you realise that illness and disability mean you can’t plan even today, nevermind tomorrow or next week. You lose friends due to being unreliable. You lose relationships if you dare to show your weakness.
Do you have a clue the damage the meds that keep you alive do to your body, loss of teeth, hair, libido, sensation, motivation or joy.
Do you even now with lockdown truly get what isolation really means, what social anxiety it, how brain fog confuses, disempowers and makes you feel like you dare not speak?
How being unable to do the most basic excersise and the drugs you take pile weight on so you live in a constant catch 22 life.
How every day you are at risk of taking too many or too less meds, where you fight each minute not to kill yourself, despite having planned and readied the tools needed to take your life?
Do you understand how a simple thing, a look, a word, a smell, a place, a Xmas decoration can trigger, causing panic or despair?
Sadly unless you live it, experience it you will never understand it. Why sadly? Because without understanding it or having empathy towatds those living it you will no doubt continue to judge us, to attack us, to reduce us to in your mind sub human scum.
Well we ain’t, we are as entitled to respect as you, we are as valuable to this world, this society, our communities and families as you.
Our lives matter as much as yours, just sadly so many of you fail to see that.
So before you do judge us take a moment and realise it’s you that is the arsehole not the person you seek to bully and put down.
We don’t ask for pity just the respect we all as humans deserve.
The chronically ill and disabled are true warriors and each day may be our final battle.
Jonesy Jones

Stop with the anti-mask rubbish please

Just for your info, me along with several thousand other folk have since early in this pandemic been trying to save the lives of front line staff, the disabled, nurses, doctors, teachers, children, chronically ill, carers, the elderly and all those people that matter to you.
We have not done this for profit, not even for cost or expenses, we have done it totally free because people have rallied to put others first.
So forgive me if I find your anti-mask, anti social distancing, conspiracy theories beyond mildly offensive.
I base my knowledge upon actions, upon talking to professionals, upon steering front line and hospital staff away from suicidal thoughts because of the pressure they are under.
Yes mistakes are made daily, usually by those putting profit before people. Yes the government have failed the people due to their corrupt and inept dealing. Yes the Conservatives have manipulated facts and used the pandemic as an excuse to strip our rights and asset strip our country, but Covid19 is real, it is on the rise and it is killing folk. All your not using common sense will achieve, is increasing the risks to yourselves, your families, your friends, your colleagues and your communities.
So yes question every decision the government makes, sift out the pathetic profiteering from their actions but use your brains.
Wear a mask, keep your distance, wash your hands and keep everyone safe.
And please don’t tell me masks don’t help, they are I admit not a HASMAT suit, but try spraying water through one, then the same amount of watrr without one. Given C19 is passed through droplets it’s kinda a nobrainer.

Dilemma of hate

For those not aware, yesterday I had a run in with a guy selling nazi merchandise, this was not a piece of militaria, was not historic, it was a red banner with a white circle and swastika along with a picture of Hitler printed on the red with the dates he was in power.
The only reason for this to exist was for modern NAZI’s to celebrate Hitler, and to promote fascist beliefs.
I asked for it to be removed as the car boot is multicultural with people from all cultures including Jewish, Roma, Muslim, Christian…. The list goes on, there were also many disabled people their too, remember nazi eugenics? My request to the stall holder was refused, I was persistent and admit I ended up raising my voice to him as he defended the banner. A woman told me I was more offensive than Hitler and another stall holder threatened to take me down the field and beat me up.
None of the other customers at the sale defended my stance even though they stood around watching the scene. My friend however did
My best friend and carer was with me and she too felt threatened by the mob mentality.
The car boot organiser finally but reluctantly asked the stall holder to take the banner down then belittled me for challenging him. He also went on to say people could sell and display anything they wanted to. I explained that I had been threatened by another stall holder too and again was belittled by the organiser a man on his fifties who at this point reverted to a 15yr old school ground bully.
I had called the police as felt we were about to be assaulted but as usual they failed to attend.
My post about the events has gone viral and I have had many positive responses to my actions, however I also have had a very few negative ones, not I hasten to add by anyone that knows me.
I did not challenge this hate for fame, nor for any other motive than refusing to accept the rise of fascism in Britain and this modern world.
I have been anti fascist all my life and was active in the 1980’s with Anti-Nazi League and other anti hate groups.
I have worked all over the UK with all cultures, faiths, abilities and have always been anti discriminatory in my practice and my life.
I am not a terrorist though for some reason Antifa is seen as a terrorist organisation yet seemingly many fascist ones are not.
My dilemma is that now I have made a stand people want to stand with me, alongside me and want me to be interviewed, be public in regard to my actions. I am being warned against this by the people that care about me, as the Right Wing are often violent, aggressive and threatening. That by making my stand and continuing to stand against hate I am not just putting my self at risk, a risk I am willing to take, but also putting my family and friends in harms way.
As I said I am not scared for me, but after losing my young brother I cannot ever consider losing anyone else, especially through my actions and beliefs. My stubborness.
So do I carry on pushing to change our society at the very least, which I will always so in some way, or do I put my head down and live ashamed of what I might have done.
Yes backing down may also help my clinical anxiety which currently  is extreme due to yesterday, but not my depression nor my self respect.
So what the hell do I do. I did not plan to challenge this, but there was no reality where I could have just walked by.
I have always been proud of my grandparents, living through and fighting in the second world War. Whatever the government reasons for war were, the British people fought and died alongside of all the other allied nations to rid the world of the blind hate fascism brings and pushes upon us.
If I don’t now make my stand how on earth can I hold my head up to their memory or that of Rob my brother, who for all his faults shared my belief in fighting hate.

My fight

Well here we go again, that struggle of having big plans (not huge to be honest but big for me as in getting out there) being cancelled due to weather, pain, exhaustion or other less publishable (yep spell check I know, I know but I made this word up so still valid) reasons.
I am in a good but thoughtful mood. Little iffy about going anywhere due to actions of another that has increased the daily struggle of life tenfold and has made me feel that I cannot dare relax even in my own home. Those actions now taken from me my outlets from my ilness’ even on my better or good days. For that along with even worse behaviour they will never be forgiven.
So every day now will be more problematic. Another barrier to tumble over before I can do more than exist.
People do not tell you how being ill, physically weaker strips all your other defenses from you. They do not express how much your previous self worth and respect really does mean. You have no idea yourself until you lose it.
Our society views the sick and disabled as worthless and even worse lazy good for nothing scum that drain the countries resources. Why do people thing like that? Because they are told to do so by the press, government and even soaps.
A very few years ago the laws were changed to incorporate a new type of offence ‘hate crime’ however I was told by a stolid chap from Derbyshire Constabulary a few months ago that was really only used in cases of ‘racism’. To that officer I say Tosh! Any crime against a person that singles them out through discriminatory behaviour is ‘hate crime’.
Hate takes many forms but when the detrimental actions of another solely are carried out to build upon and expose them further to a vulnerability that is due to that person being identified as belonging to a sociological minority group it can be vile. I now feel as if my home is may not be home much longer. That the things I gained throughout my working life I will now be judged as not worthy to own. That the means of escaping my illness’ on those extremely rare good days will be either lost or used as a reason for the ultimate sanction.
Every day is a struggle to get up and face the world but now far more so. Paranoia of strangers, feelings of unease, a fear of the postman, and loss of what remaining confidence I had been able to muster, mean that I now believe I should only function in ‘safe mode’.
I have lost the pride I had in my home, the security of knowing this was my home. I cannot find the energy to challenge it any longer.
I said at the beginning I am in a good mood, I am. I awoke with a pleasant demeanour and wish ill upon no one. Despite the issues I have written here I am not sad nor low. I am being a realist. I recognise this as my lot and know that many tens or even hundreds of thousands here in Britain and millions within our world are in far worse positions than me. I realise that they each cope on a daily basis and strive to survive. I admire each and every one of them. For my real weakness beyond all else is that of my own values, my non acceptance of this reality. I fear no one else, but scare the willies out of myself. I do not often see such darkness in others. I have compassion, I truly do but also recognise the sociopath deep inside that will never accept this person I have become that exists in a deteriorating shell that once was a living keep, now but a Bastille of the worst kind.
I am in that affable state of realisation. Of knowing where I was and where I am now. These words are a rambling, they are not deep as some may interpret, nor an indication of a dark depression. They are me using words to express and make sense of. So why publish them if not some cry for help? Because when I write my true feelings others thank me for it often expresses their thoughts also. It helps to see we are not alone, that others fight this daily fight, their battles may be subtly different but the losses are as high and the outcomes oft become the same.
So if you too have a war within, the inner warrior that wants to gain victory over their current health, i can say with true honest you are not alone. Nor ever will be. If you are trapped in a limbo that seems to have no chance of escape take heed we too are an army, just one without a recognisable general.
I will always be here for anyone that needs me, for that truly is my self worth, my purpose. It is who I always was and still am. I may face my daily challenge, and yes others may chose to exploit each vulnerability I have but with every breath I take I will remain a protector, I will live by my morality and will not dishonor myself. They may not be your values, your choices but they are mine. So I continue my fight and within that will always stand to fight for others too. That is who I am. I am me, I am Jonesy.
Sorry for this long unabridged rant but I needed it.