Life without point


Waking each day from the hopes of a night’s dreams, the scars of eight hours of terror, a dark period of dark thoughts, or just with nothing, no memories, no emotions and no motivation.

This kinda sums up a stay upon this earth. This third rock at this brief point in its rotations around whatever this star is actually called by those truly in the know. 

Lethargy guides the ability to prioritise, that and brain fog, the forgetting not just what to do but the how to do too.

There is no sparkle of excitement of any future one can envision. The entire meaning of being here beces so much more elusive each day

 I personally tire of hate, of cruelty but mostly of apathy. I crave the ability to change this corruption dying civilisation. If you can call the human members of it civilised. 

The struggle now is to find any excuse to remain, to function, to integrate. A battle physically holding the prospective tools of any planned demise, each time weighing the pro’s of being here against the balancing saving of this worlds resources by being gone.

Every day I really do feel so frustrated that up to now I have chosen to remain, promising myself tomorrow I may become more ruthless with my reckoning.

Let’s be clear, I am still here, it’s not a cry for help, it is simply my explaining how I see myself right now. 

There may be new hope tomorrow, a signpost down a new path. There may not be…..

The huge grey clouds that hide all but the magnolia walls of this, my gaol along with the stark black rusting iron shackles that bind me to the breathing of what counts for air, may yet part, actually showing me streams of light sent to guide me to the promised pasture guaranteed to our children as we hold them for the first time. 

The layers of dust that fill my cell like sand settling after a desert storm, undisturbed by any metaphorical movement within my dulled mind, already devoid of ant true expectation of change. 

Do I feel a tear escape my painful eyes, blurring the view and in its own way giving brief distraction from the guilt held by the adult persona who betrayed the child within so many eons ago.

Do I live in hope? Does hope exist beyond the irony of the Peak village who’s name gives lie to the word?

How will tomorrow be? Will I be forced to wake once more into the landscape of some demons waiting room? To be once more tortured with thought of what may once have been but can no longer be? Or will my courage wear thin, and I use my chosen weapons to end this daily drudgery that is my meagre existence.


Foot note

This does not reflect my life all the time, it is a description of how my anxieties, my triggers, my pain, my depression manifests in my being. There are even now days even weeks that this becomes my routine, but I do escape too, and it’s those days of hope that reinforce my right to be here, to be part of this world.

The hope I have to draw upon is through the support of those closest to me, those who understand and see me.

There are no words to describe the darkest of days, this is only a prose touching upon the mixture of angst and nothingness so at odds with each other.

The brighter days this note would seem to have no bearing upon my life, but the thing about any hidden illness is we become skilled at hiding it.

All of us have our perspectives upon things like pain, upset, low mood to suicidal tendency.

Some folk may threaten to take their own lives for effect, but often even if you believe that to be the case you may not realise the turmoil that person lives with  what we believe to be attention  seeking behaviours are more often than not an indicator some war is being waged within that person and we may be completely oblivious to the factors they are trying to cope with. 

I do at times sit with a hand clutching my insulin pens and a bottle of morphine, but each time I find a reason to bat on.  Not yet ready to concede.

This is however not just my story, it is the story of tens of thousands of people in the UK living with chronic health, with grief, with poverty, with so many other triggers of that urge not to be here.

So please don’t be as quick to judge someone, stop with the collusion of press , government and TV producers who will give lie to the struggle people really do face each day. 

It’s hard in a word of cruelty to give kindness and offer support. We are all guilty of ignoring people in need, but maybe the next day you ignore them will be the last. 



#depression #grief #loss #anxiety #suicide #chronicillness #chronicpain #disability #TheChildWithin #kindness #cruelty



The abuse of power?

9th January 2021


In the State of Florida the age of sexual consent is 18yrs old

In New York State it is 17yrs old

In the UK it is 16yrs old


Virginia Giuffre has alleged that Ghislaine Maxwell – daughter of the late Robert Maxwell, media mogul, met her in 2000 whilst working in a club  in Florida. She claims she was “recruited” by Maxwell then Flown all over the world cajoled through  threats by her and Harvey Epstien.

She alleges she was forced to have non-consensual sex with people during this time, one of whom was Epstien himself, but another being HRH Prince Andrew Windsor, The Duke of York.

She alleges not only was there non-consensual sexual intercourse between her and The Prince, but also battery/violence, and that she was 17 at the time.


The evidence in the public domain in regard to the Prince is that logs from flights aboard Epstein’s private jet confirm Andrew as being aboard numerous times. Epstein and Maxwell were guests at Andrews home for social gatherings and parties, as he was at theirs.

Andrew hosted a birthday party for Maxwell at Sandringham.

Epstein was charged with procuring a minor for sex and despite this Andrew invited him to Andrew’s Daughter’s 18th Birthday Party.

There are pictures of Andrew holding Virginia.

Prince Andrew Windsor & Virginia Giuffre

Ms Giuffre alleges un-consensual sex and battery took place with the Prince in New York, and the UK.


Currently upon Social media in particular there are people defending Prince Andrew stating that because Ms Giuffre was 17 he is not a paedophile, and yes given the information available to us at this time the evidence would not support he is such.

It does however allege he is a rapist, an abuser and complicit in human trafficking of young women.

If someone is named as an abuser it is not a definition solely based upon naming a person as a paedophile, abuse is about power, it’s about theft of choice, about threats, violence, cajoling, using position, wealth, influence, physical assault or the threat of, of manipulation, of stealing confidence, of destroying innocence, of taking away choice

Abuse may be physical, neglectful, sexual and always causes emotional harm.

Rape and physical abuse as with all abuse is not about sexual attraction, not about love, respect or any level of care, it is about power. It’s about someone using or rather misusing their power against another.


The case against Andrew was in the civil Court arena. It was not a criminal case, we can all question why, we may suspect his position as a high level member of the British Royal Family, a member of the social elite, the 1% of the World Establishment gave him protection from any police force investigating him, a view easily supported by recent events whereby the Prime Minister of Great Britain, another member of this elitist club where Royalty and the super rich pull all society’s strings, clearly broke the law upon several occasions, and despite this the police refused to investigate the crime, (and no I will not used the word alleged).

The Prince Andrew allegations being a civil case would only ever result in financial damages to Ms Giuffre, even in the event of a guilty verdict Andrew would not be at any risk of jail.

So it seems Ms Giuffre was offered a huge amount of money to settle out of court and by doing this Prince Andrew hopes to prevent his reputation being stripped apart in the courts, as well as ensuring nothing else which may be damaging to those around him, friends or family coming to light.

Why would Ms Giuffre accept it? Well I believe for a few reasons, less stress of a long court case, no risk of losing, and given just how powerful the accused and his acquaintances are no further risk to her safety.  Wouldn’t you?

As I say we only can go with the allegations and information in the public domain, and this now will likely be forever limited, but I know what I believe, and I truly see it as an ongoing indictment of the entire establishment/elite and Royalty caste. A reason we all should question this and all the actions of those who by position and wealth continue to be untouchable, even in the 21st Century.

Jonesy Jones