Fog of despair

Brain fog is truly pissing me off. I feel ostracised by friends because I forget things. Social anxiety is through the roof. I am sat here with nothing to do, less pain than usual, but cannot think beyond my door step. Scared to leave the house today so far. I am battling it. Even when with friends feeling a complete outsider.
I could get on the bike and ride somewhere, anywhere. I just have no confidence in myself today.
Maybe irs partly not wanting to leave as won’t want to come back?
I know some already thinking shut the hell up, stop droning on. Some will ridicule. And some do care.
I am feeling like I don’t really know my own mind, nor am I even sure I want to.
Every day I try to be positive and even on my very worse days of late have at least attempted not to put on folk or bare my soul.
I try to give support to anyone, but today see my defence weakening, my ammunition against depression and especially now my anxiety being depleted. Battles are harder to fight, the war may soon be lost.
Yes I am miserable, I am whining, I am self obsessed it seems, but this is who I have become through losing my purpose.
Your pain likely is worse than mine, I am not competing, mine has worn me down.
I do escape, I do push myself to pretend, but not sure I can for much longer.
People think “he rides a bike so can’t be ill”, luckily those folk are not my GP or consultants, all who continue to tell me to keep riding for physical mobility and for a break from mental overload.
I know according to society I just should sit in my wheel chair un moving unless to pee in a bottle. Yes I have a wheel chair, no I don’t use it because I have been physically attacked from using my crutches. If I need my chair I stay in my house. That’s my prison on those days.
I come across on here as confident, as a bit daft, as a git maybe? I wish I were. I have passed up on opportunities both social and more because I do not feel worthy to be here.
I still battle every day to remain, but when try to talk to those who should be there I am told to shut up, to not talk like that. I am reminded my words, my truth upsets them. They might end it off with “I love you though”.
I have phases where I feel OK, where I am with those who genuinely are glad to be around me. But that is once again becoming rare.
This post is not for attention, its not for sympathy or “hugs”. I cannot just pull myself together, I cannot hold my chin up. It will not Al come out in the wash. This is what is left of me. It’s not the human I want to be. I want to belong in this world but feel every day more like I don’t.
I am not planning to do anything silly, I am not crying out for attention or help. I am simply letting the world know how I feel most of the time.
Today may be the first day of the rest of my life or it may be at the spectrums other end. I truly do not know.
I have waited and waited for change, but society is broken, hate and the l’m all right Jack’ attitude prevails. I try to promote love, compassion and kindness through my own deeds but see how much I am failing in that.

When I was a child in school I never thought I would reach forty. I have beat that, but maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I should have given up when I still had a marriage, still had my kids and was just an anonymous drone.
Will life change? I actually can’t see it doing so. Well not in any good way.
Sorry for all this if you chose to read it. I chose to post it because possibly someone may realise they are not alone in their thoughts. That others see the world through the same barbed wire and smoke.

Yes I know I am depressed. I have spoke to my GP. I was turned down for support even upon appealing to them. So no comments about talking to anyone. I am not suicidal as writing this, just being a realist.
Please don’t attack me as cannot take any more. I am not being critical of others, just self actualisation of my true value to the universe.
I was working through this but can’t see any light.
Sorry again.
Simon

Little America

Can you imagine your child being left in pain after an accident because you have the wrong health insurance. Welcome to the 51st State

What would it be like being told your cancer is treatable but in your case its terminal as your insurance doesn’t cover it? Welcome to the 51st State

You lose your job, your home because & your kids because workers no longer have rights. Welcome to the 51st State

You have rickets, your children have scurvy, because you cannot afford fresh unprocessed food. Welcome to the 51st State

I was born in Britain, a part of Europe, but we were sold out due to greed of the predator class, so now are sub-Americans.

WELCOME TO THE 51ST STATE

Loveable Boris the Bold

Can we remember the loveable buffoon that is Boris also offered homeless folk fifty pound notes then set fire to the money as they reached it. Beyond cruel and has £50 to burn, so he ain’t a man of the people.
He treats women as objects and believes its OK to touch them, to sleep with women who he is giving contracts to, and seemingly beat them up. Not a man.
He lies and steals for greed, is power hungry and cares nothing for the people. Allows Trump to hide an American citizen who ran into a young lad on a motorbike and killed him.
Not a man as I understand the term.
He bought water cannons to use against us. That’s against you and me.
He sells off out NHS and other services to make profit for himself and his friends.
NOT a man in my book.
He offers to send our soldiers into harms way at the whim of a mentally ill American President.
Not a man who should be in charge.
He refuses to abide by the law despite being the ‘prime minister’.
Let’s be fair he is not a man, he is an egocentric, pathetic excuse for a petulant child. He is a racist hater, an absolute embarrassment. He is dangerous. He is a laughing stock. He is not a man. He is not humane. He is only. barely human.
So no Boris I do not like you, I do not think you are a joker, I think you make Jim Davidson look reasonable. You are a vile excuse for a person. You are an abuser upon every level. Sadly I truly thought my fellow Countrymen and women would see through you. It seems not.

This is a man you has no empathy, no morals, he is greedy and corrupt. He is not your friend, not your mate.
BORIS YOU REALLY ARE A BASTARD.
Jonesy.

Fireworks

Now I agree and support all the posts about not setting off fireworks ahead of bonfire night because of animals being afraid.

I also would like to point out that men, women, children and their pets are not just facing fireworks in Syria, Yeman or Palestine right now. The rockets being fired at them there are not for fun or display. They are not to produce awe or gasps at their beauty. Their bangs signify death and destruction. They ar being let off to kill and maim.

Worst of all they are
Most are likely made and sold by British firms. So let’s spare a thought for those creatures, animal and human too.
Jonesy.

Disabled Scum

I have been unable to work for a few years now and am in receipt of ESA and PIP.

I am nervous about writing this because I may be targeted by the DWP and Jobcentre. This likely would result in my benefits being removed or at best suspended.

I have several chronic illnesses that make life difficult and at times more than challenging. I live with constant pain, and though occasionally people will see me about looking as if I am what is perceived as ‘normal’ and living my life, most of my days are simply existing with the pain, the exhaustion and sadly the soiling my illnesses cause.

I get very low and often so suicidal that I sit with several insulin pens in my hands fighting to find reason to stay alive. One day I may very well lose that battle.

I also become scared of answering the phone or worse the door. Keeping my curtains closed in order to hide from the postman or the rest of the world.

Anxiety and depression often develop alongside chronic illness, for me, the only person I can truly talk about, illness stripped me of my strength, dignity, purpose and worth. It isolated me from friends and strained my family relationships even beyond breaking point. It allowed my children’s mother to describe me as a useless cripple to my kids and others.

Britain judges me and hundreds of thousands of others as scroungers, living off their money. Not contributing to society. My journey was one of working, college, university, and developing my career. I started out working in a belt and brace factory in Manchester, driving buses in Manchester, Wales and Derbyshire, with youth work, residential care work and finally child protection Social Work to management level.

My career was my life, after my kids. When ill health stole it from me along with most of the other things I held dear I thought I could never be of any ‘use’ again.

My path was my own, others have similar or different ones, some may continue to undertake some work, some folk may have never been able to work. The point of national insurance (NI) and tax is to ensure all in society, whether they have been able to contribute or not should be able to live a safe, nurturing, happy and worthwhile life. At least for all those years I paid into the system it’s what I was led to believe.

I now realise I will never be able to work for anyone else, my health issues ensure that I cannot plan to work one day to the next. I can have two or three good days then spiral down for a month.

I can however possibly commit to complete a court report over a six or eight week period. That may give me the option of setting up as an independent social worker. There is a bit more to it but that’s the gist of my current thinking.

I needed more information about what support would be there and how my benefits (entitlements as its not a benefit) would be effected.

I called the Jobcentre on their 0800 number and was on hold for forty minutes. My call was then answered. I was despite the wait still in good spirits as finally there maybe some hope that I once again would be able to contribute towards the people of the UK and pay something back once more.

I explained the reason for my call and was promptly told by an officious nameless female voice that I need to go into the job centre. Well again I cannot yet make appointments, especially at this time of year, I therefore asked that after the forty minute wait upon the phone for her please not to just fob me off. Her answer was to snarl (only word to describe her demeanour) “I am not fobbing you off”. I asked her to change her attitude and suggested I may be recording the call and was sure the press would be interested in the manner she dealt with people. She said “if your recording this I will hang up” and she did so.

If I had been at my lowest ebb this would have destroyed me.

This was a civil servant employed to work with vulnerable people. There is no way to complain and if you do you become ridiculed.

A few months ago I had phoned the DWP and was again after a substantial wait explaining to a male worker how the additional PIP assessment process was making me want to kill myself, the line was quiet as if he had hung up but then came back to life with him laughing to an unknown collegue about a photo someone was sending around their office. It was only the intervention of a friend that stopped me ending my life there and then.

I am so far lucky that I a here to moan about the way I am being treated, over a hundred and fifty thousand others are not. They have died through the callous actions of these vile people.

It’s not only the Jobcentre staff that are horrific to the vulnerable, I have had abusive behaviour from the police, I have been attacked three times due to my disabilities and daring to use my crutches in public. The police accepted it was hate crime, but failed to act. I have been called names such as scrounger or cripple by members of the public and my ex wife.

Today’s society is truly abusive towards anyone seen as vulnerable. I saw it as a social worker in the communities of England and Wales, but never realised just how truly terrible it is.

We are singled out by programs such as Benefits Britain, Kyle and the like, which make out that folks with disabilities are scroungers, thieves and fraudsters. The press villifies the poor and who they see as weak easy targets. They create anger at those who cannot defend themselves, from the homeless, the mentally and physically ill, the poor, the refugees, the list goes on.

Why? Because whilst you are angry at us you no longer focus upon those who really steal from society. I won’t point fingers, work it out for yourselves, but if it’s not the sick, disabled, weak, poor then who is it? Who is forming your opinions? Who is allowing these modern day SS administrators to behave like they do? Who rewards their inhumanity?

This has been my experience to date after four years of illness. I cannot begin to imagine what it will be like for those who have always lived this life, that will continue to be dealt with as if we disabled are scum.

Jonesy

The divide grows

We need to defend free speech even if it’s loaded with hate. If we subvert people’s thoughts we cannot ever hope to change their views.

By blocking, ignoring or name calling all we do is increase the divide that this government and Brexit has widened.
I have friends who have very different views to mine. But without challenge on an intelligent and affable level they will always be different.
I truly have found shouting or name calling makes for them to be more obstinate.
I am secure in my morality. I need no longer try to prove it to others, they see it and if are friends respect it. That is to me an opportunity to begin to change theirs.
Experience forms our views. Nurture truly is more shaping than nature. Time we realised that.
Yes we need to continue to confront organised hate. That cannot be allowed to thrive. But we also need to steer folk to a better path if we are to achieve a fairer society and the better world we all desire.
Discrimination does anger and frustrate me. But I know my stance, I just need to continue sharing it with others.
It’s no good only socialising with those like you, with that you can never change anything.

Thanks for reading.
Jonesy