Extinction

Here’s my thought for the day. Being disabled, sick and vulnerable in Britain today is not just scary but petrifying. My disability and illness are by no way extreme when compared to those having to be lived with by many I know or know of. I still have some days, though quite rare, where I can almost live as I used to. Where I can get out, ride a bike, even very rarely camp. These days are few and far between and usually come with a physical, mental and yes an emotional cost but I would never give those opportunities up.
For many they do not even get the odd respite, and for some each day is an actual fight for life. Most of the time we exist rather than live. We draw breath, eat (some of us), sleep (some of us), lay in bed or on the sofa and depend upon the kindness and friendship of others to communicate and feel part of the outside world. That is existing. For some its far worse.
Now disability provision is signposted with a sign depiction a wheelchair. What I have learned the hard way is not all disabilities are that visible. I spoke to a man yesterday that seemed no different to anyone else, yet he is in the ongoing stages of a terminal cancer. You would not know that. I sadly have several friends with that form of illness. Some are survivors, some will survive and devastatingly some will not. All are fighters beyond anything those without that horror will ever imagine.
My illness’ restrict me and my decisions, they have stolen my career and my self respect. They have robbed me of my virility and self image. They have taken from me a lot of what I see as my essence of being not just a human but a man. I appear on here as opinionated, confident and I hope intelligent at times, however my memory is shot, I forget I am cooking or have taken my meds, I forget to fill in forms and although can speak up on others behalf cannot on my own. Today I cannot even lift a coffee cup without it shaking as if there is an earth quake. Today my pain levels are high which likely means hitting my strongest meds. Not an easy thing to choose to do.
I can never plan in advance which has cost me massively, from credibility to long term friendships. If I say I will do something, even a phone call I often don’t, not through choice but because I truly cannot either for physical, mental, exhaustion or because emotionally I cannot speak to anyone.
As I say my life is no where near as difficult and painful as those of others.
So anyway why this rant? Well each day we are informed of more cuts to services, to the NHS and to the (hate this term) ‘benefits’ that we need to survive upon. There is no ‘benefit’ to being ill. The money people claim is what we all deserve. I worked until three years ago, I paid into a system designed to be a safety net for those in need. I never imagined I would need to make a claim but paid National Insurance and tax every minute I worked. Lets just consider that term, National Insurance. It is an Insurance policy we all have to take out once we earn. A policy that always should pay out when its needed. You cannot run a policy then just change the rules once its required can you? Well Mrs May seems to think you can. She and her cabinet of fraudsters, corrupt politicians of the worst kind are waging a war, no that’s wrong, a genocide upon the weak, sick and disabled. She and her party are literally killing off thousands of our friends and family on a daily basis. People who deserve the support of the nation are being vilified and made out to be draining the public funds (those same funds I spent over thirty years paying into). The reality however is the only people stripping the UK of assets, commodities, that’s money and property, are the rich. This fake need for austerity was fabricated after we had to ‘bail out’ corrupt bankers, when their fraudulent dealings went awry. That was an opportunity for the rich to use that ‘bail out’ to create a fabrication and lie which they use now to steal what is the nations, ours, from us.
People as I said are dying daily. We know this but the majority choose to ignore it. It’s some perverse ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude. Well think about it folks, when did this eradication of the weak lead last time? Germany 1936?
We are supposed to learn from history but clearly we do not.
So why are we the sick, the disabled, the vulnerable – and actually I used the term the ‘weak’ but the reality is that none of us are weak, each breath we draw proves that, so fearful? Because to many of you now we are valueless. We are a monetary statistic to be ignored and wiped from existence. You may keep a door open at the sight of a stick, crutches or wheelchair, you may think kindly of your ill cousin, maybe even occasionally take your poorly neighbour a bowl of soup, but you have allowed us to become the victims of the state. Disabled were always fighters not victims, but you all continue by inaction to ensure this government makes us so.
What next is your choice, you are the people, and even an individual voice or action may be the catalyst for something much bigger. Its up to you.
Jonesy.

Contempation

 

Lets look at the big picture right now. We in the UK have an unelected Prime Minister that has since before the referendum been intent upon ridding the UK of its human rights legislation (law).

America has a new President that has made moves to remove the USA from the United Nations, why? Because the UN has the Declaration of Human Rights. He also has already within his first days of office repealed rights of the US citizenship, he has begun to segregate swathes of the American people due to race, religion and even gender.

Our PM Teresa May was the first world leader to officially meet Donald Trump (or Daffy Fart to his friends), she was even photographed walking hand in hand with this self-confessed bigot.

 

So lets think why would both May and Trump wish to remove the rights of their citizens?

Well several reasons come to mind. One people with no rights can be made to work cheaper and longer. This makes more profit for the rich that like May’s husband and Donald own business’ including hedge funds (which means that like Mr May they can deny holding an interest in say G4 because it is actually their hedge fund that officially owns the stakes in G4 not Mr May directly, though he has a major stake in the hedge fund. Complicated hey? Not really but meant to seem so, in order to prevent you and me seeing the corruption).

The next reason is that without rights people can be held without charge or trial, they can be tortured and even killed by the state. Oh but surely that cannot happen in the UK? Well a senior Tory has stated he believes torture can work. Mr Trump has declared he believes not only can it work but should be used.

Scared? Oh no this cannot be real can it? Just Jonesy ranting again?

OK next, the Human right act here gives us all sorts of rights, and along with other laws means we cannot be discriminated through ability, race, gender, religion, culture, health or sexuality.

The issue is that we all of late have seen how the disabled, the ill, the unemployed, the Muslim’s, the homeless, the black, the Asian, and all vulnerable minorities have been vilified in the media, and worse by government departments, local authorities and the police.

Why?

Because this not only is absolutely distraction, taking your focus off the real reasons for things like austerity, for the corruptive dealings of the wealthy and the powerful (The Establishment) and those that govern us, by giving you a scapegoat, someone to blame that are not the true culprits, it divides the nation. It reduces opposition and negates the unity of the people, which you can believe is the one thing these people are truly afraid of. If we united against them, their corrupt dynasty would fall within days. Sadly whilst we blame the weak it will never happen.

Here in Britain we have more cctv than anywhere in the world. We are the only major country to have conviction without trial, (fixed penalty fines and even a police caution are viewed and recorded as convictions. These are often given at the whim of officers).

We also have a large state controlled media and Establishment owned press. They feed us ‘news’ which is mainly propaganda not truth. The main offenders are the BBC, The lovely Mr Murdoch and his Sky media empire which includes the Scum News Paper, The Main news outlets, which comes under the banner of MSM – Main Stream Media.

Even your soaps and tv programs are designed to perpetuate beliefs the Establishment want you to hold. Shows like twat Kyle, Benefits Britain, Benefits Street even Victoria Derbyshire are made solely to divert ire and loathing on to the most vulnerable.

The most worrying thing of all is that if we look back to 1933-1936 this is exactly (without the obvious advances in technology) how Hitler and Mussolini came to power. In the UK we see the weak and vulnerable as the cause of austerity, not the Bankers that gambled with your money and lost, not the MP’s that make fortunes from the arms industries and oil companies.

Am I being dramatic? Sadly not. What’s next? Well after May breaks up the NHS, privatizes the police, social care, child protection and then the military what else is there? Well all local government which will mean council tax will pay profits not just services, I imagine a three hundred percent rise in that, toll roads even on A and B routes, and stripping all the UK assets. The Country will in time become a business model not a country.

Sci-fi? Fantasy? Sadly I fear not.

You can argue all or even points of this, it is my personal vision of our future, sadly how I see the path the UK taking.

So feel free to criticize, but time will tell. If we do not act as a nation now kit will be too late.

Jonesy

Government Warning

People are obviously scared about the new government warning app that will take over mobile phones.
Well we should be, but not for the reasons we are being directed to believe.
The app is not about nuclear war. In that event what would be the point in “warning” us? We would be either dead or not, your kitchen table will not help.
It may be to a degree be relevant to fires, floods, and severe dangerous weather warnings, but we kinda have survived without that for eons, so not really the greatest need for it there. Despite the government insisting that’s why they are bringing it in.
Most of us have seen Independence Day and other entertaining films, and yes folk are going on about UFO’s and Alien contact, but to be honest it’s not in my humble opinion big fleets of Borg, not some intergalactic Empire or even some huge flaming asteroid we need to be worried about.
The reason this app or whatever it is, to me is so scary is that it’s totally about control.
This program can and will be used to not only “warn” (if you want to use that blatant misdirection) the nation but will be able to be used locally, possibly down to a few streets or even a section of an estate or area.
The app/program/system will be able to take over your phone, not only emitting an audible siren (possibly with higher or lower frequencies also broadcasting, which is a whole other concern), but stops people being able to use their phones, by locking them out, until they respond, (or until they are unlocked by the government or their agencies).
This means that the government, the organisations they comply or collude with, can in effect black out all communication at once anywhere and whenever they want. 
Now I am sure they will put all the appropriate “safeguards” in place, just as we would expect from any trustworthy- erm- government would, but those safeguards are only there until they are not. 
We live in darkening times, a period of history that is unlike any other in so many ways.
The human race can easily destroy this planet we call home, ten times over, but there is no profit in that.
We have, or rather most of us, have a reasonable standard of living (everyone easily could and should and would but for those making that deliberately impossible). I would say no one starves or lives on the streets, but we know despite there being no need for such poverty globally,  never mind in the 5th richest country on this planet, that is a lie.
So why a need to warn or isolate us, using our own technology? 
Well the motivating factor of today’s society is greed. We all know that, whether we choose to see or admit it. Greed is not just the motivation for next door to have a better car or lawn mower than you, it’s is for the very few richest most powerful people to hold absolute power over everyone and everything they see.
There was a line from a Meatloaf song that states “money is power and power is fame” and that sadly is the overriding principle of today’s society.
When you have a world run on such values you always will have poverty,  and worse people living a life that holds no value to others.
In the past things were changed by civil disobedience,  by marching, angry mobs, unions, strikes, yes, even riots and revolution. They are the tools used throughout history by the people to attempt to make a fairer society, they were the tools used to get us rights (rights are never granted, by those in power, they are demanded by those who have none).
Sooner or later today’s society may awaken from social media, from video games, from the celebrity gods we promote and follow. When we do the current world differs hugely from the past.
We no longer have industrial areas, where all the community works, sleeps and lives.
Now we likely don’t know the person living next to, above or below us. Now our community is often almost exclusively on line.
If we are isolated from the online world, from social media, from text and from calls we kinda become powerless.
We cannot form into the angry mob, because a mob is more than one. A march becomes a solitary walk, a riot becomes criminal damage. Revolution becomes a section under the mental health act or a prison cell. 
This is why having a tool to isolate us from others is so essential for a government and establishment, especially ones as cruel and corrupt as those we currently have to live with.
Jonesy.

Unseen illness & people’s recognition.

I truly have just realised its not about how visible a pain is, my epiphany today is that folk only understand the pain that they themselves have been through.
This is absolutely why invisible illnesses such as Fibromyalgia or Chronic Pain Syndrome are not accepted, even it seems by some ill trained professionals.
We are asked to describe our pain, but for me that’s like being asked to describe the shapes I see in smoke.
If I said a “velociraptor” but you had never seen one it would be meaningless.
I currently have just had the wrong tooth removed by my dentist and developed a rather painful abscess under the tooth he should have removed. Now on antibiotics for the pain.
The people who I have told about it are all genuinely sympathetic to my pain, but for most I believe it’s because they recognise the severity of tooth ache through personal experience or the experience of close friends and family. Its lovely to feel the support from these folk, truly, and most of these fabulous people I see as my family anyway, however, when I describe a fibro flare up, or the after effects of a hypo, or the embarrassing situation crohns can leave me in, or worse in some ways the destructive effects of anxiety, ptsd and depression have left upon my life, the loss not only for my brother, for my still born children, for my….er, self by losing career, identity and most of all my still living family, because its not something that they or many of you have experienced there is no point of reference for them. This not their fault, no competition, and sadly some of my issues they will have had to live through and vice versa. I am not saying my situation is any worse than theirs!
Maybe when we use a phrase to identify an illness not seen nor understood we should call it a “not yet experienced by you illness”. (I am sure there will be better suggestions).
These illnesses are not always (but all too often can be) fatal, and when they are the cause of death will likely be “misadventuture”, not “the only end to the suffering” or “an end to pain” or “a scream for help”. Maybe if they were seen as potentially fatal then its possible we would all offer support rather than seeing those fighting these illnesses as weak, it is possible we would recognise them as as strong, as the warriors they are, not as feeble (a phrase been bandied to me).
Does it really matter? Well yes it does. With so called “invisible illness” there is not just the illness itself to contend with. It maybe that you have to take stupid amounts of meds including pain killers, opiates just so people do not see you as “putting it on”. For me personally I constantly wear a pain patch, I take codeine, morphine, and paracetamol almost every day, I also have to take other poisons including very strong immune suppressants just to stop me soiling myself. My lack of concentration whether through illness, pain or medication inhibits me every single day, it’s akin to having dementia, as I forget things whether the cooker, a task or even what I am saying during a conversation.
I strive every single day to hide the pain, to ensure people do not see me as weak, or useless. I get angry, more at myself than others but that anger is destructive, because it feeds my interaction with people including those i love.
Not being able to get up some days nevermind leave the house, not just due to pain but anguish, fear, lack of motivation, and…..so many other reasons that cannot be voiced with mere words.
How do you explain this to folk that haven’t experienced it? Well you can’t.
If but it were a tooth ache, a head ache a broken bone people would get it, but non experienced illness whether with a physical or mental causation is not understood by so many.
I am sorry to babble on, but I do hope some who haven’t and I pray will never experience chronic invisible illness will read this and just think about those folk they know, those who have to live like this.
Jonesy.

Shortages

The worries people are having about food supplies are real, they are concerning, and a major issue for Britain.
If you are, as someone posted today thinking it just about tomatoes for restaurants and that we can grow our own, think again. 
I am guessing you haven’t been in supermarkets and seen the empty shelves, the disappearing brands and types of food, that you haven’t noticed the spaces being filled by rows and rows of the same items, the doubling and tripling in prices? That you have not heard of the manufacturers such as Heinz artificially inflating their prices to the point of main retailers refusing to sell their products?
It’s not just about tomatoes or the fact that now people in some supermarkets can only buy a certain number of some items such as Morrisons only allowing you to buy 3 lettuces at any time.
(that’s only one current example). It’s not about growing veg in your gardens, veg is only the tip of the iceberg (not the lettuce)! It’s about real shortages and this is going to get far worse and likely very quickly.
Whether the shortages are a result of brexit, a made up fuel crisis  or a deliberate diversion from the cruelty, corruption and profiteering of those we supposedly elected to govern our country and their public school cronies, only time will tell.
We truly need to take action but not against the foreign people or nations we are told are our foes, no, the culprits we need to hold to account are much closer to home.
And as a foot note, remember, demos and marches are either now ignored by the press that is owned and controlled by those same people or those protesting are turned into the supposed enemy by the skilled propaganda machine.
Time to think outside the box, and burying our heads in the sand or just moaning upon social media is truly no longer an viable option.

Road safety…pah

Derbyshire is, or rather, was, one of the best counties in Britain for riding a motorcycle or even a bicycle. (Luckily for folk I chose a motored bike as my bum in lycra would require a tanker full of brain bleach, I can promise).


Sadly, due to years of central government cuts to local authorities many have had to prioritise the services they offer the communities. However, Derbyshire as with so many others it seems to me is happy to waste money if it benefits the councillors, ruling party or senior executives but will not invest in ensuring roads are safe.


Now our roads are often in disrepair due to wear and tear, but also to what I fear is the corrupt lapse in common sense when it comes to building upon our beautiful green belt land and the criminal destruction of our open spaces.


I been led to believe that there is more than a little building on protected sites, knocking down buildings that were listed and destroying protected hedgerows all seemingly victims of instantaneous combustion, with often no formal police or fire investigation.

There also is the building of residential houses, new homes for families on horrifically and dangerously contaminated land throughout the county. The building on known flood plains is commonplace.


It seems I am digressing, however the roller coaster of house building has a major impact upon the roads, partly due to more traffic, increase on heavy vehicles using roads not designed for their weight, and the fact that local infrastructure is not designed to cope so all our roads are being dug up (some daily) by utility companies either installing or shoring up existing cables, pipes and sewers.


Now the problem it seems to my dulled mind, is that local councillors are I believe often lied to by council officers and developers. They believe they are helping their communities grow but not aware of the corruption behind it. The housing is also despite promises made and even contractual obligation upon  developers are not affordable to the majority of local residents, which destroys communities or rather what now remains of them.


Taking all this into account, maybe the developers and privately owned utility companies will pay for road repairs and even development …erm likely nope, the only roads they may fund are the avenues their houses sit upon.


What does Derbyshire County Council do to control this? Well they absolve themselves stating that district councils are responsible for planning (most District Councillors are members of the three main parties so not truly independent of county decision making and vice versa). They also ensure the police never record accidents as due to road surface or conditions (making sure there is not even a tick box to record this), they blame accidents on speed and dangerous driving. With little evidence to support this, invest in failed road safety initiatives through the police, concentating police resources on the roads rather than often more serious crimes (measuring number plates and the like).
The latest initiatives are speed reduction, no clear evidence for the need, little or no public cinsultation. And until challenged no real indication the limits have changed.


So for all us Derbyshire residents, let’s be proud of our councils, of their erm profess…unprofessional responses to the risks.
Every day I see central government taking the mickey in regard to our safety, our rights and putting us all at risk through what I can only accept is at best disregard for us, at worse contempt in the face of their greed, but it seems the rot goes far deeper, all the way to our own doorsteps.


How can we allow this to continue?

Tory Economics – why maths is erm….important

If Johnny has 2.4bn in the bank but no maths degree and gets a job in the politics as an MP he will only recieve £84,144 pa.
His family including spouse will however somewhat now have all the info they need to invest their paltry millions into privatisation of public owned assets and public contracts (back door privatisation) and will soon themselves have billions in the bank. One of them may have a maths o’level bought at Eton (I cannot confirm or deny this as fact or fiction), and now they too jump from being millionaitres to billionaires. Johny now retires with a full pension and as he was made Prime Minister he has a lifetime security detail provided and paid for by the state, he has a title granted by the Savillesque Protégé of Mountbatten the second most prolific British paedophile in living memory, King Charles McSpaniel.
Johnny also becomes a silent board member of a string of companies, of mainly British and American Arms dealers and fossil fuel corporations. He will recieve property, cars and holidays by the security services of many unsavoury states.
All this without a Maths qualification.
However you or I can become a Maths PHd holder and end up as a potato peeler at Harry Ramsdens if we are lucky.
This is how British economics truly works.
Jonesy.

FIBRO the effects

FIBRO, such a daft innocuous term for fibromyalgia, a rheumatic condition (as defined by OED) that absolutely destroys life.


It does not kill directly as in not a fatal illness, it does, however, strip its victims of all they had taken for granted, including their future.


It imposes chronic pain every single day. You as an observer likely will never actually recognise this because people with fibro become so adept at hiding pain on the better days, not because of some super resilience to it, but because of the shame, the discrimination and overwhelming belief that they have become useless that they direct upon themselves, mirroring your partially hidden view that such people are weak and pathetic.


I mentioned shame, because shame becomes a huge part of living with fibro. You know yourself it’s not fatal but there are all too many days you wish it were. The better days mean that with the aid of pain killers, of losing days and weeks at times you get to function for an hour, a day, a few days maybe as if you were a human being.


On those days you feel embarrassed to look well, to walk without sticks, to not have to use your wheel chair, your scooter, to actually be out of the house not just out of bed. 

We see folk on social media, in the street, at our all too often hospital appointments with what are in many ways worse illnesses such as cancer, MS……the list is as infinite as people , and we feel shame, shame that our little word “fibro” will not in itself be terminal. Its at this point that we are too often overwhelmed with guilt at seeing ourselves as disabled.

Then a bad day hits. On these days the pain goes from a constant ache rating of 6 on a scale of one to ten, up to beyond double figures. It’s still an ache but one that overwhelms all your senses as one. It’s like having the worst headache and toothache all over your body.

On these days you can’t move your body to get comfortable, because you truly have no energy to move. Everything, every little bit of strength you had, is now expended by your body trying to find a way to numb the pain. When you try to move, your ache becomes a sharp pain.

Limbs become heavy and useless, even more than they usually are due to loss if muscle density, your thoughts become jumbled and when there is any clarity beyond the fog it is either used up wishing for a way to end the pain, or a realisation that these experiences are likely with you for life.

If you are lucky enough not to live alone, you still try to hide just how bad the pain is because you feel a pathetic burden to those who care for you. Only hiding this is kinda impossible because you struggle even to make the bathroom, so now it’s back to feeling pathetic.

When you are on your own, at least you get to cry.

The thing about fibro is that it likely is due to your body or mind living through some form of fairly severe trauma.

Fibro rarely lives alone in your body. For me, it resides with Crohns Disease, Diabetes, Angina, Diabetic Neuropathy, COPD, Asthma, High Blood Pressure, SVT, PTSD, and sadly along with these it has enabled and promoted Depression and Anxiety.

As I said, Fibro doesn’t kill directly. It does, however, make you wish you were dead. In my body, some of my illnesses may end my existence as part of their hold within my flesh. The most likely killers for me are Crohns, Diabetes (killed my kid brother), and the Depression (possibly the biggest killer of all).

If you are living with Fibro on your own, a flare up can mean you cannot eat, can’t get out, cannot shop, cannot cook, cannot toilet yourself and cannot think (so even online shops are not going to happen).

I have not written this to scare folk, not to appease my own guilt I feel for suffering with fibro, nor the guilt I carry for not believing how bad it could be before I ended up with it.

I have written this because even now, there are people,including doctors and nurses, sadly that do not believe the Fibromyalgia is real. They look at the evidence, listen to the patients living with it and still say its made up.

Well I can promise you all it isn’t.

I get as frustrated as hell at the all too prevalent medieval views of some folk. If you can’t see it, it’s either all in the mind or not real.

Fibro is not all in the mind, on our better days we too may choose to think it is not that bad,but then it hits again, and we are reminded that this ‘condition’ controls our lives, that we cannot plan beyond a day (sometimes hour), that we are unable to keep appointments, cannot book holidays or even a show without the realisation we are unlikely to make it.

So when you are told by someone that they have fibromyalgia, or any chronic illness, do not see them as a victim, they are not, they are bloody fighters in a war I hope you never ever get to experience or fight.

Jonesy

War the end

All out (or any) war is not a football match. There are no winners and just losers. We all lose, even our planet.

There will be no one left to gloat, not even the fools in bunkers

A nuclear war will mean this planet will no longer support life. Its atmosphere will be poisoned, air unbreathable. There will be no ozone and even the sunlight if there is any that gets through the dust clouds will sear flesh.

There is more than a chance that several weapons of high yield exploding in proximity would either split our planet , effectively killing all life immediately or pushing the planet out of orbit meaning that there would be an immediate loss or gain of gravity, a loss of atmosphere and the planet effectively moving away or toward the sun. There are no shelters that can save a life from this.

Elon Musk seems to believe living on Mars may save him and his cronies but sadly for him that too would be unlikely in this even, as a change of earth’s rotation would almost certainly have a compound effect upon the other planets within our solar system

So what’s the point of war?
Well usually it is profiteering from weapon sales and bolstering a failing political position by rallying the jingoistic of a country behind inept leaders and tainted flags.

The point of World War in a conventional manner has the added benefit for the elite of culling the poor, thinning out the masses and again profiteering from the rebuilding and the increase in weapons sales that are due to the fear of further war in the minds of those who have already experienced it.

World nuclear war?
There will be an end to everything. No Mad Max post apocalyptic future, as there would be no future for life, nevermind humans. It truly is that simple. 

Remember a single missile now can be the equivalent of many hiroshimas!

The next time nuclear reaction within weapons is used in war, there truly will be no more war, there will be no more us.

So wave your little flags, cheer on your favourite regimes, there will be no cup ceremony. There will be nothing.
Jonesy

Rock bottom.

Trigger warning.

I have just been asked by GP to describe what rock bottom feels like.

Well right now it is wanting to not be here. Not going to do anything to make it happen but wish could stop breathing. Would truly just love not to exist.

My eyes are sore from welling up, my angina is constant, my one wish would be to have never been in this reality.

I have bizarrely right now no anxiety, because if death made an appearance I would happily look him in the sockets and talk about whatever he wanted to, as we walked into eternity.
All I have within me is pain that sends its signals across the empty void within me.

What has caused this?
Memories of holding my kid brother moments after he died,feeling the warmth of his greying skin  and the sweat brought on by the resus staffs vain attempts to bring him back. Knowing I would never again hold him, that blonde haired kid I changed nappies for, I called my freddy.

From the constant pains of chronic illness, the embarrassment of crohns, the constant stress upon my body from blood sugars ranging from 2.8mml to 38mml. The shortness of breath from COPD AND asthma. The exhaustion and constant pain of fibro, the fear through anxiety, the loss of hope depression brings on but exacerbated by the realisation that I will never be the man I wanted to be, never achieve my goals, never be anything other than this shade I now am. The sudden triggers of PTSD.

From the frustration empathy brings, and the bombardment of hatred thrust into my face from people who assume to call me brother.

Most of all the cause of this hope I hold of never having to awake again is by the realisation that to my sister,my parents and worse my son and daughter all I have truly been is a weak feeble joke, an excuse of a human, a failiure as a brother, a son and a father.

As I said I am not going to take my life for I have no motivation for even that. I just scream within in the hope the void finds me soon

That’s my rock bottom.

I was then asked what I thought would make things better or help. Medication, counselling, the crisis team?

In truth……nothing

Dead like me!

David Cameron was poster boy for the parasitic establishment.
Theresa May was their attempt to lose power and blame the opposition.
Boris Johnson was their desperation to have a whipping boy to blame for all the turmoil Cameron and May caused.
Now Truss is their desperate attempt to discredit the entire Tory government and install their next poster boy for the Establishment – Starmer, pretending the Labour Party actually was a separate entity still from the Conservatives, in a last ditch effort to make people believe we have democracy and not just an installed faux government that pretends to represent the actual people.
All hail our masters, the new world aristocracy, the failing celebrity of monarchy and the true owners of international business.
There is no longer a country flag to doff to, just corporate logos and the headers of the stock exchange.
We are now not citizens, we are to them eaters and a true waste of their worlds resources. No longer needed or wanted.

WE GONNA ACCEPT THEIR RULES? WE GONNA DIE UPON DEMAND?

ARE WE? WE GONNA ACCEPT THEIR RULES? WE GONNA DIE UPON DEMAND?