A battle won, a war I dare not lose

Yesterday I was taken by The Black Dog. Nothing I could do to change the overwhelming emotions then the void that followed. I felt truly isolated and alone.

Despair took over from rational thinking.
I had no control over the thoughts and then apathy. In fact in some ways it was the apathy that protected me.

I had no path to follow and only saw self loathing and I suppose what seemed like a universal injustice.

I tried to get some to understand but given I myself couldnt get where it came from how could I truly explain to others. I went on a depression and anxiety support group and shared my post, but that ended up seemingly feeding the emotions and negative thoughts of others, I had responses where suddenly people were sharing thoughts of suicide.

I felt responsible for their pain which dragged me down further.

There really was no serious catalyst for yesterday. I was happy enough Saturday. Sunday was a washout physically but was ok in myself. Then when I awoke Monday it hit.

It was not a choice, it was not planned or welcomed. I had no control whatsoever.

There were some very caring people upon my facebook that did help. That tried to distract me, that were concerned and spent time being there for me. All I can do is thank them for their humanity and the care they showed. They know who they are. Without them I might not have been writing this today. I truly do not know.

Depression may seem self indulgent and even attention seeking to some , especially if the onlooker has never experienced it. Sadly however it is not ever a decision to ‘be depressed’. You do not awake and say to yourself ‘today I will be low and get sympathy’. In fact at times sympathy feeds it. But saying that, you cannot just ‘pull yourself together’ you can not ‘cheer up’ and you cannot see that ‘things are not that bad’. You know ‘others are far worse off’, but all that does is add guilt to the equation.

I can only talk about how it effects me, I know that I feel worthless and pathetic when it effects me. I cannot think straight and feel frustrated with life. Yesterday was physical pain and mental anguish. I wanted the hurt to end. I would have done anything to end that pain. Luckily for me there are folk that love and care. That I love and care for. The thought of making them feel the pain that hit me, through my actions was too much to contemplate. Though depression can feel selfish it truly does often breed an empathy.

I could offer up all sorts of thoughts and excuses for how I felt yesterday, but none would be accurate. All I truly know and understand is it was a very onesided fight. It was a battle that I have now won, but only one battle in a war that may yet last my lifetime. A war that if I lose a single battle, I will not survive.

As I said this was and is my experience. Others may be different, but the cost of losing sadly often, too often can be the same.
So if you you see someone in a crisis, please try to be there for them. Saying the wrong thing often is better than saying nothing. But do remember depression is a very real illness, not a life choice.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and if you are one of those wonderful people that took time to interact with me, to be there for me, to distract me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a reason I am here to recount this.

Your friend

Brexit balls

I do not give a shit for Brexit. I care about folk killing themselves through lack of hope, no future, no support and society’s lack of humanity. I want a country in or out of Europe that we can be proud of because it treats the vulnerable, sick and disabled with respect and empathy. Where scum do not set homeless alight, where the government to no commit fraud and worse to sate their own greed.

I want communities that support each other. People that see diversity as positive and seek out the good in others without discriminatory judgement. Where corporations and the super rich pay taxes and folk earn a wage worth working for. Where everyone is treated as a human being. Boss is but a title of a job not ownership of workers. Where medicine and health care is free. Where tampons are not sold for profit, and everyone can eat a good diet.
Why is this seen as radical? Why is it supposed to be impossible? Why the feck are we arguing over Brexit when we need to fight corruption, cruelty and greed?
Time for everyone to wake the hell up

Jonesy Jones

Self realisation of fate

Truly feel like filling bike and riding til run out of petrol then just walk til run out of land. Sadly body doesnt do walking and live in the UK so would hit the sea before ran out of fuel.

Hate these days. The physical pain of illness and exhaustion I can cope with. The feeling useless and pathetic I can’t.
I am 52 not 92. I had my career I loved, self worth and yes even money, I could afford to dream. Then overnight I became this joke. A shell that people ridicule, attack, dehumanise. I am a prisoner to the lump of meat I have become.
I want to do something, but never know how I will be each day, I want to write but no concentration span, I want to plan, to dream, to live but no money, no prospects no self worth.
I went to bed with a plan in my head, today I realise it was a pipe dream. That I am no longer that person.
I am not angry nor even really upset. Just empty. Just as colourless as the drab sky outside my prison window.
I have enough to sustain life. But like so many others no longer enough to really live.
I wish I could just cheer up, hold my chin up, pull myself together, but sadly not how this crap works.
I pretend all will change but all too quickly realisation hits with the truth that it wont, well not for the better.
Not life just limbo.
The little ten year old me so full of hope has truly withered into nonexistence.
Dont fret not suicidal today, just accepting of a fate I never planned for.

Lemmings against the state

Those who ‘don’t do politics’ or ‘don’t vote’ you are truly human lemmings. Right now we upon the edge of history’s cliff and you are ready to jump into the abyss.

If people do not start to understand how politics effects your lives, those of your families and friends, if people do not get out and vote for a party that will try to undo all that this government has done, then you will wake up to find yourselves and all who you care for smashed to pieces upon the rocks of a health care only for those who can afford it, for the rich.

You will live in a society where more and more folk die upon the streets and those who are not profitable or essential become expendable.

I can only tell you this, for no matter what it is but my understanding, so instead of just ignoring it, why not get up and do a little digging, check out what we as a nation already have lost under tory rule.

Oh and yes Labour were bad enough under Blair, they were not altruistic and caring but that vile warmonger has gone, now we have a truly different party who’s leaders and members do care,

The Conservatives and Lib-dems brought in austerity, initially to bail out the corrupt banks who had gambled with your savings and pensions, but then just to asset strip the UK and profiteer from our taxes! This ‘austerity’ has meant money, support and services have been stolen from those who really need it. Disability is no longer accepted but now those disabled are vilified and targeted.

When you decide to look into whats going on look who owns the banks, who their wives or husbands are, who their school friends were.

Look at how fascism rose in Nazi Germany, in Fascist Italy and Spain. Look who really benefitted from that hate. Certainly not the likes of you and me!

So stop being lemmings, open your eyes and start to fight back. The fist barricade is your vote! Make each one count.

Jonesy Jones

True foe

It is time we realise who the real enemy is! By voting I have never given consent to war, to cruelty, to greed!

The government are my enemy, not Muslims, nor Hindu, nor Asian, nor Korean, nor Russian, nor Syrian, nor Yemanese, nor anyone I am told to hate because it assists our Politicians in fulfilling their own of greed and power.
We have the institutionally cruel and corrupt government on Earth yet most do not realise it. Our government control all the media, ignore the people and now it seems flout democratic legislation and process by fixing elections.
So continue to believe that they work for your interests and not their own, or finally wake up and try to fight them before its too late.
Unless you are rich then to them your life counts for nothing. Its that simple.

The boy

Where has the little one gone? The one with the cheeky smile?
Where is the one that shone? His imagination went the extra mile.
The tiny chap who was full of hope. Told stories as he played.
Always with a laugh and a joke. Why have his dreams been waylaid?

Supporting words

Chin up, man up, pull yourself together, it will all work out, worse tings happen at see, others worse off – all statements likely made with best intentions by folk that care, but sadly folks that do not understand anything about what is happening to a mental health or chronic illness warrior.
With depression, anxiety or any mental health issue, bereavement or for a survivor of abuse these terms though said with love actually minimise what is happening to the person, and can exasperating their crisis and despair.
Please please think about the language you use when offering kind words, for some truly do not carry the intended support within them.
We all have done it, and always with good intent, but using phrases like ‘am here if you need me’ or ‘my phone always on’ or even ‘my door is open to you’ is what people need to hear.
Crisis often brings isolation and invariable true loneliness. Social interaction may feel impossible. Just knowing folks have not abandoned you, are still your friends, still care can bring you back from the abyss.
Never underestimate how dangerous mental illness is, it kills, but usually the sufferer is the only physical victim, though family and friends are left to live with the consequences.
My family, my friends and most of all my two children are all that keeps me upon this planet. If not for others I would now be gone.
So please give support to folk not a glib response. Let them know you care. Be there for them. Because anyone who has to live with such turmoil needs you, and if they call you friend they likely truly mean it.
Jonesy Jones

Mental Human!

To me one of the most difficult things to accept is that my depression and anxiety are ‘mental health issues’. I spent years fighting the stigma attached to mental health for members of children’s families that I was tasked to assess, support and safeguard.
Yet even now, despite my openness, my self awareness, my telling my story often too openly to all here, in groups and on my blog (www.thejonesy.com), I find it so very hard to tell my self it is just that. I am not alone in having ‘mental health issues’ in fact I am in the best company because so many of the people I love, care about and call friends have them too.
We however live in a society that continues to dehumanise all disabled and vulnerable, but more so those with any form of mental or even invisible illness. It is still in so many circles seemingly ok to mock folk by calling them ‘mental’ or a ‘nutter’. These terms and far worse are used in jest, comedy, but also to derogatory and aggressive effect.
We are not humans but ‘service user’s’ – not even patients anymore.
If we haven’t a case worker it seems we have no voice, if we have a case worker it is their voice that carries weight.
I for one may get lower than I ever have been, I may be scared of opening my front door or going to meet my mates at times, I may hold insulin in my hand and try to think of a reason not to take it all, but given that and all the other quirks and issues within my life I am still a human being. I will never accept being treated otherwise.
People can sit in front of their 50 inch TV and watch the vile shows on channel 5, or believe the BBC / Tory Propaganda, they may make their minds up with no understanding or experience of Mental Health, of Chronic Illness, of continuous pain, but that does not make them right, it does not give them a right to judge me or anyone else.
I despite my health issues am still the person I have always been. I am the same person I was at 16, at 30 or at 45, I now have different experiences, but thats growing older.
I did not lose my value and worth when ill health took my career and role.
I am still Simon, I am still Jonesy, I am still human, I am still me.
If society rejects this, I reject that society. I have always fought for my morality and now I have all day everyday to continue that fight.
So beware bigots, beware greedy swine, beware those in glass houses, for I have walls of brick, clothes of Kevlar and the biggest bag of stones you will ever see.
Unite against discrimination, unite against hate and let’s make things change for the better.

Worthless human

Kinda speechless. I asked for support in regard to the anxiety and depression I experience due to the physical effects of my combined chronic illnesses. Its took about two months despite a daily battle with suicidal thoughts to get a response to GP’s ‘urgent’ referral.

Today I received the most horribly written letter from a service hub in Derbyshire called SPOA – single point of access. It did not identify the service and I truly believe is designed to discourage anyone taking up a referral.
I rang up and spoke to a completely non human whose name I will not use. She had no empathy, was officious and even callous. She had no interest in talking to me and wanted the name of my ‘case worker’ which considering I am not open to any services nor have been was a a poor assumption upon her part. She demanded my case workers name again despite me not having one and her attitude was beyond vile.
In the end I hung up with no appointment made.
I calmed down and rang back, this time one of my ex colleagues who is now an independent social worker was visiting. I put the phone on loud speaker and they witnessed the attitude of the same worker. In the end I asked for the complaints number and was provided with it without hesitation, in the way I roll off my mobile number.
I ended the call. I then rang the Health Care Trust and Kingsway Hospital in Derby, the receptionist answered the call then started to talk to someone else without any acknowledgement of me, I tried again to say hello and was told to ‘just wait’.
It truly is no wonder folk are in crisis without support. You are dehumanised and treated as if you are a ‘sub-person’ someone that has no value or voice. Now these may be the reception staff but they gatekeep a service that should be caring, compassionate and understanding.
I went from a positive day to the other end of the spectrum. I have been walking around since feeling that as far as society is concerned I am worthless and deserve no recognition as a citizen nor human being. Daft maybe? But thats how it effected me.