night of pain

As I lay here in the dark my head held in my tightening hands Thinking what may have been if not for times cruel sands Trying to blame this disablement upon the force of fate Full of self pity, loathing along with a dose of misdirected hate

This not the future that small boy had ever planned for me With no more hope left within to motivate my philosophy Pain now the only constant within the still active mind The possible path to relief just alleys that end up blind

I scream to any god that will take me under their wings From all of my very being now a hymn of desperation sings My eyes search the dark for something to help me cope Knowing that taking more medication is just a downward slope

Alternative ways to deal with it I try desperately to see Relaxation, self hypnosis even long sessions of psychotherapy Wondering even now if its really hurting or just in my head Even with all the meds and tricks I lay here wishing I were dead

It is as if I am the only one living this miserable sad life Thought of ways out flash by from drugs to a carving knife But the truth is I am not alone in living with this chronic pain The dark thoughts not just mine but are within many a brain

Invisible illness restricts so many but can go unrecognised Changing the character stealing joy their happiness re-sized So if your friend seems different there goodness taken flight Remember to be a friend their actions may not be out of spite

Its the lot of those that suffer this to rarely leave their home To be so isolated even when surrounded feeling all alone Confidence evades me all of the time although seeming strong Adept at acting I have become pretending to still belong

Many have marched on their own path leaving me behind People I thought a lot of no longer pretending to be kind Now however its clear to me although pain never ends The journey I daily travel is supported by a few good friends

Its those few that make all the difference for they truly see The person behind the moaning still is really only me So if your one of those I value I gladly leave you with this thought By being there you proved to be the god my desperate mind sought.

Copyright Trikerpoet August 2015