Ugh

WARNING DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH OR ARE PREGNANT AND EXPERIENCING MORNING SICKNESS. REALLY DONT READ IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF MY FAMILY OR ACTUALLY KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE. DO NOT READ EVEN IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN A PIC OF ME.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGE TO YOU EITHER MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY IF YOU READ BEYOND THIS POINT.

Well I have decided to do a fan dance to raise some money. (not for charity, just to raise some money). I have been practicing in front of a full length mirror for some time (would never do anything with the Scum. Oops mean Sun) and have made myself a cheeky little thong from bits of cycle inner tube and bacofoil.
I have mastered the ‘twerk’ and have ensured my Lord Garden (male version of Lady Garden) has been trimmed with the finely honed skills perfected over generations of a master topographer. My chest and back hair are platted in true nordic style.
Due to the added elasticity the rubber within the thong provides, along with a little vulcan rubber glue, I have been able to shape my rather grand overhang into a more than passable sculpture of that iconic American Landmark, Mount Rushmore. I have however replaced Homer Simpsons head with that of Buffoon Boris, purely due to a huge clump of straight blonde hair I did not have the heart to immac (now called Veet, I am told) away.
I have done this purely by reshaping my ample belly skin and have not used body paint or tattoos.
Sadly given my mobility issues I have had to rethink the pole dance section of my act. Its now a ladder dance, where I pose in new positions upon each step. Number eight is definitely worth waiting for.
There will be a brief interlude during the performance to facilitate the effects of my Crohns and Diabetes. I can assure you all this is an essential break under audience health and safety given that I will be wearing the rubber and bacofoil thong. (Think the worlds most terrible water cannon and a mud slide.)
Anyway if all goes well upon the night I shall be able to buy myself a plane ticket to South Africa for the winter.
Right now you have read this far I just want to inform you I now stock a full range of Acme Brain Bleach. Only £9.99 a litre.
Thanks for reading, hope you don’t have nightmares,
Jonesy.