Yesterday I was taken by The Black Dog. Nothing I could do to change the overwhelming emotions then the void that followed. I felt truly isolated and alone.
Despair took over from rational thinking.
I had no control over the thoughts and then apathy. In fact in some ways it was the apathy that protected me.
I had no path to follow and only saw self loathing and I suppose what seemed like a universal injustice.
I tried to get some to understand but given I myself couldnt get where it came from how could I truly explain to others. I went on a depression and anxiety support group and shared my post, but that ended up seemingly feeding the emotions and negative thoughts of others, I had responses where suddenly people were sharing thoughts of suicide.
I felt responsible for their pain which dragged me down further.
There really was no serious catalyst for yesterday. I was happy enough Saturday. Sunday was a washout physically but was ok in myself. Then when I awoke Monday it hit.
It was not a choice, it was not planned or welcomed. I had no control whatsoever.
There were some very caring people upon my facebook that did help. That tried to distract me, that were concerned and spent time being there for me. All I can do is thank them for their humanity and the care they showed. They know who they are. Without them I might not have been writing this today. I truly do not know.
Depression may seem self indulgent and even attention seeking to some , especially if the onlooker has never experienced it. Sadly however it is not ever a decision to ‘be depressed’. You do not awake and say to yourself ‘today I will be low and get sympathy’. In fact at times sympathy feeds it. But saying that, you cannot just ‘pull yourself together’ you can not ‘cheer up’ and you cannot see that ‘things are not that bad’. You know ‘others are far worse off’, but all that does is add guilt to the equation.
I can only talk about how it effects me, I know that I feel worthless and pathetic when it effects me. I cannot think straight and feel frustrated with life. Yesterday was physical pain and mental anguish. I wanted the hurt to end. I would have done anything to end that pain. Luckily for me there are folk that love and care. That I love and care for. The thought of making them feel the pain that hit me, through my actions was too much to contemplate. Though depression can feel selfish it truly does often breed an empathy.
I could offer up all sorts of thoughts and excuses for how I felt yesterday, but none would be accurate. All I truly know and understand is it was a very onesided fight. It was a battle that I have now won, but only one battle in a war that may yet last my lifetime. A war that if I lose a single battle, I will not survive.
As I said this was and is my experience. Others may be different, but the cost of losing sadly often, too often can be the same.
So if you you see someone in a crisis, please try to be there for them. Saying the wrong thing often is better than saying nothing. But do remember depression is a very real illness, not a life choice.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and if you are one of those wonderful people that took time to interact with me, to be there for me, to distract me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a reason I am here to recount this.