Bank Holiday Blues

Well today maybe the start of the bank holiday weekend for most of you. There are many working through it, possibly either grumbling or thankful, but for many of us there is no difference between Saturday or Monday on any week. For some each day is just a scant variation on the day before or the one which comes next.
If your out of work whether due to retirement, illness, disability or whatever reason the public holidays mean little. Infact for me it breeds even more frustration as on Monday there will be extra carboot sales but I cannot even afford to look today.
This ‘extravagant’ life that we that are unable to work seem according to the media to lead truly evades me. My life is made up of robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Most of the things I accrued over a lifetime of work are now gone. For those that have been unable to experience even that I truly weep for.
Living upon our social security entitlement effects every aspect of our lives. It destroys our self worth, steals our options and in the process vilifies us within the way others generally see us.
Add to that long term chronic illness’ as in my case, terminal illness for many others and numerous more genuine reasons for peoples forced abstention from work and you have a pretty naff existence.
Yes people have it worse than me. I get that and would and do stand up wholeheartedly for them. But its perspective too. I only experience my own lot. I can only describe my feelings. They are no more but also no less real than those of others.
Basic choices like what we can afford to eat are daily. The feeling of loss when I see the wonderful posts from others enjoying sun filled holidays. The longing to walk into a shop and truly be able to choose what ever my whim decides. All that has gone.
I am not jealous of my friends that still are able to hold their heads high. I am saddened I am no longer with them.
I do not want charity or hand outs, but believe in a system that gives everyone a ‘reasonable’ standard of living and hope.
On my good days I could go back to work in a shot and be as effective as ever. However on my bad I cannot even dress.
No employer would accept my inability to work so frequently. If I do casual work on my good days I risk losing all my income in one fell swoop. There is no support to get me back into any positive role without sanction. I am made to lay in the mire by arbitrary bureaucracy with no hope of escape.
I believe I still have a lot to offer but cannot see a way forward. I want with my every fibre to return to my work but how?
I know there will be many suggestions but I truly have I believe likely at least considered them all. I never know when or for how long I will be in flare up. I have several illness’ to contend with, all of which are problematic. That I still have ‘good’ days is a wonder to me. But I do. Upon those days I do not feel ill. But on those days more and more I am thrown into a pit of lethargy, apathy and boredom. No money to do anything, the knowledge if I over exert I will be badly, no options, and more and more frequently a wall of grey stone built within my mind preventing me seeing any future. I cannot plan a day ahead never mind weeks.
I have no social life partly through illness, part finance, part self withdrawing due to my own loathing of this me and part due to constantly letting others down to the point they move on with their lives. My face to face friends pool is few now. When I do see people I am embarrassed and ashamed of my weight gain, my lack of confidence but mostly the ‘brain fog’ that makes conversation difficult and confusing at times, that makes me doubt my own memory.
I survive each day as I must, I am a parent (whether good or bad) so that limits even further my choices.
I do not feel depressed in the usual way, I know the reasons for my moods, its all this and the constant pain and exhaustion.
I am but one person in this situation. There are far too many others.
I don’t want you to copy, post or even share, I want you to understand. I don’t want any ‘Amen’ that’s a made up word to rejoice to some higher being, a term used to prey on the belief of people.
I want you to see me and all like me that live like this. I dont want pity, hugs or the like. I want to regain my self respect, to feel worthwhile, to live within a community that I feel I am a productive part of.
I want you to see the real me not this pathetic creature I feel I have become.
I want to hold my head up, to have some personal worth and my kids to have something to be proud of.
I want choice and options.
I want a fucking life not existence.
That’s what I want. Is it too much to ask? For me and everyone else living in perpetual limbo?
Thank you for reading this far and I apologise for letting go.
Jonesy