Rambling’s of night time

T’is literally the middle of the night as I lay here in t’dark contemplating life, dragons, futures, pasts, friends, and all the other discombobulated but vivid thoughts that pass through the mind of a Jonesy.
I am neither happy or sad as I ponder imaginary scenarios, schemes and decisions that may actually work to the benefit of myself or others but due to lethargy and my own apathy and my totally withering levels of commitment will never be acted upon and likely never again grace my thought process further due to my scant patience at suffering fools and recognition that I myself often am the biggest fool I know.
All this sounds so negative and self-deprecating but it truly is not. I see with some clarity my life, my family, my circle and my world. I can imagine myself alone but in truth in many ways am not. I may now see few people. This week there have been days I have not seen another living soul and craved contact so much that on one of them even the opening the door to the post man was mildly exciting, and it is true upon these days I have felt morose, vulnerable and isolated, however you, my ‘audience’ those often faceless people in the ether that have pressed a like button, commented, messaged or phoned, you the ones that have reacted to my self indulgent ramblings have done more than you realise to sustain me, to assist my regaining some level positivity of thought to keep me from hurling my soul into some imagined pit of despair.
Life is at this moment in time is surviving in an enforced limbo. Its dealing with the effects and limitations of the various illness’ that I have allowed to encompass my decisions. I have been and still am in a rut of ongoing consequence to each action. Its been of late as if I have to ration my energy, that anything I attempt will drain me. Almost like a faulty car battery. One that does not hold its charge. So do I keep turning over or hold off until I can find a set of jump leads? Because I am referring to my life buying a new battery is not an option. I can park upon a hill on the chance that I can bump start but daren’t drive at night for any light drains too much energy. Sorry if the analogy confuses.
What I have to do is focus and keep focus. I need to find something that I can do and then get motivated enough to do it. The trouble is my concentration currently will not remain upon a single path. I have no ability to even read a book. The contradiction is I rarely watch TV these days and if I do I just watch entire series in one sitting as its easier than trying to bridge my thoughts from one story to another.
My memory is useless. Its not I believe that I have no ability to remember things so much its more that there is a level of apathy in my mind to continued existence, I do however get confused at times through ‘brain fog’ which is one of the more difficult symptoms to cope with. This has eroded my self confidence more than anything. I avoid social situations for fear of making a fool of myself. Conversations are a nightmare at times especially if face to face, losing track of thoughts or having to stop because I cannot find a word that defines my point is to me embarrassing beyond comprehension. I know its ridiculous, the objective me can see that. But I am human and emotion defines confidence.
Don’t read this and think me suicidal, I am not, I am a parent (whether good or poor, suspect to a greater degree the latter) so that never can be an option. I just cannot find a path that is both achievable and challenging enough to capture my imagination. To grab my soul and push it forward despite my vexation at limitation imposed by health.
I have intentions of writing a book, or submitting articles, of setting up some kind of business, but I cannot push my self enough to reach my goals or even dribble the ball towards them. People have been kind about my writings, about my imagination and ramblings but in an odd way that adds to my frustration of inactivity. I cannot find that way forward.
This week has been unusually hard, not due to pain so much but because I have been so overwhelmed by exhaustion. It’s like I ran a marathon but never recovered my breath. I know even when fit I never ran a marathon but this feeling is exactly why I didn’t (ok and that I was never ‘that’ fit). Even pegging washing out on the line set me back. My sleep patterns are none existent. In fact its in the night I feel most energetic. I could I truly believe physically achieve more at night but mentally am useless.
‘Useless’ now there’s the key word. As writing that last sentence I realised ‘useless’ defines how I see myself. I know some other will argue that but their denials will fall upon my deadened mind. From where I was to where I am now has been a slope of ice with no hand rail. Do I still have a reason? I am not sure.
Writing this is pure arrogance. I know that. I truly am no worse off than anyone else effected by illness. Far better off than the majority. This pondering is not me asking for sympathy or pity, its trying to firstly share to some degree my experience, my thoughts and hopefully voice how others in the same or worse positions with chronic illness to some extent feel.
My experiences are at times all ‘I own’. I share them but wish them upon no one.
It is cathartic too. Lying in bed with my thoughts just trapped in my head is more than frustrating so this is a release. Allowing them to travel off into the ether.
The clarity of night time is unequalled.
But the main reason for me in writing this drivel is just maybe one of you out there may be able to ignite some inspiration within me, identify a way to force what is there deep inside, my point, my reason, yes find my ‘use’. Give me a reason for waking up Jonesy from his slumber. Give me something to truly capture my imagination and force me to climb the grey wall barring my path. There is something I can achieve, something to once more give me a meaning, I just need to find it.
To those that have read to here sorry.
To my friends, thank you all, to my critics see ya.
To all, good morning
Jonesy