Tag: #disability #illness #hatecrime #depression #unseenillness #Jonesy

Free money!

“Claimants of PIP and other benefits could get £9000 free!” Absolute bollocks!!
When you see these headlines do not be taken in. Free cash doesn’t come to anyone but the rich.


The vile hacks putting out such shit should be …..erm…..ashamed (very revised comment upon my part) firstly there is no such thing as a benefit, that is a term to fool the foolish. You do not claim a benefit, you claim an entitlement.


Most of us that have to claim an entitlement, me sadly included, have earnt most of our lives and have paid in much more than we ever will claim back.


These badly written headlines (note there was no punctuation, because, these vile sensationalist prostitutes of our words, have only a knowledge of propaganda,

dissemination and division, not of the actual language they seek to weaponise) are not written to encourage those in need to claim, no, the use of ££££ and free actually is for all those not entitled to make a claim, to spout hate filled bile about “scroungers” or “scammers” or “lazy bastards” or even “illegals” (by the way illegals if that were even a valid term, as in people that are residing in the UK without permission and “leave to stay”, do not get benefits, they are in hiding, can’t really go down the job centre, and if they are found and not placed in a confinement centre “camp” , and yes they do really exist, and are not pleasant hotels, they are in truth seen as people with no recourse (no access to) public funds (that word benefits again). So nope they don’t get “free cash”, no matter what Sid or Andy says in the local working men’s club tells you! There families, friends and communities are responsible for feeding and accommodating them.


So why do folk get entitlements? Because they know and play the system? A very few maybe, but a lot less than the wealthy playing the tax system (you know? That money we all pay upon everything we earn, save and spend).


Most people get entitlements because they cannot work, whether through illness, disability or being a carer. Some because they cannot get jobs, or worse rely on zero hour contracts, an immoral system ensuring they never will have any stability, credit, or chances. Zero hour contracts, and sadly being on “entitlements” means no mortgage applications, loans only at horrific rates of interest, (some of the less desirable lenders, even so called “reputable doorstep lenders” can charge a rate over 100% above what was borrowed, and sadly the worst of these many times more than that), and quite often people having to claim, only have access to slum housing.


When people say living on the breadline, sadly it can be below that, with parents especially having to try to feed their own kids, by going without themselves.


So anyway let’s get back to this free cash shall we? How do we access benefits? A nice friendly phone call with an affable call handler is your first port of erm…call (excuse the pun).

Then if you meet the criteria to access an entitlement you will either go through a form with the advisor or be sent a form. The questions do not just include why you need to claim, but all sorts of delves into your life, past, present and future.


That’s the easy bit. Then you are assessed by an unnamed faceless person whom it seems, at whim can allow or disallow you getting any further.


Then if you are turned down for some entitlements it’s the end of the line. Others you can ask for a mandatory reconsideration by another faceless nameless being.


Even then you likely will still be turned down, and if you have the capacity to do so can appeal, which often takes around a year. 70% of people previously turned down by those people paid to stop you getting what you are entitled to, actually win the appeal and get their claim back dated.


That’d be when things really get challenging. Living your life waiting for the next white or brown envelope, the fear of trying to live on those days you cope with your pain a little better, knowing that people won’t understand that you are still in agony, and that the pain, and / or exhaustion is only being kept at bay to a small degree with prescribed poisons. That the walks you used to love are not possible anymore, that you are seen behaving “as a normal person” (not that such a person exists), therefore can’t be ill. Feeling your body deteriorate every single day because you dare not or cannot leave the house. Panic about a strange car parking near your home. Knowing people that don’t like you will quickly judge and try to get you into trouble because of their fake perceptions and lack of understanding. Sadly knowing so called friends actually judge by only seeing what they want to see.


Then there is the guilt of being unemployed, of being ill, of being immobile, of losing thoughts and words, of feeling pathetic, of not being able to do what society expects and demands.


Oh and the luck of having every day to yourself? Try it! A few days off when you are working may be bliss, but knowing you cannot work, that your home becomes a prison, that every day becomes the same, often with no contact with anyone from the outside world, not working becomes purgatory.

What of those that called you brother, or sister, or friend? What of there promises to always be there for you, their what soon becomes faux respect, what of them? They soon back away, when you have to stay at home, leaving you isolated from the life you had.


Then family become estranged. Often so easily poisoned by those who use your illness and disability against you. Those who reinforce your own views that you are pathetic.


And on top of this, bizarrely there are those who mimic you, that try to steal your story, that pretend your daily fight is theirs, these are the most dangerous of all, because soon they imagine your words to be theirs, then misquote, blame and even give voice to their own pathetic views as if they were yours. Sadly people who should know better are taken in so easily by the same type of person who would buy medals to wear as their own.


So free money? Not so free when you realise it was often earned before, and is paid for in the existence that follows. Its truly not free, nor a bleeding benefit.

I am no perfect English scholar, but I at least try, and am always sincere, writing what I truly believe to be the truth. If you have read this far, and understand please feel free to share.
Thank you for taking the time
Jonesy.

Validity or invalidity?

Validity or invalidity?
Every day this government and its minions, the vile beaurocratic drones of the very un-civil and cruel services destroy lives a bit more, mine included. My tipping point is beyond close.

When people can no longer live their lives due to their wicked immoral behaviour, do we just lay down and die? Or will there be a point where some of us fight back in kind?
Why should these disgusting excuses for politicians, for civil servants and public employees get to dictate whose life has value and whose does not.
It’s not just them though is it? We live in a society where suddenly it is acceptable to use people’s life challenges against them. To see their illness as weakness, and their inability as laziness or even criminal.

Why should people with disability and chronic ill health feel so criminalised and completely worthless because the media, the government and sadly their peers, including so called friends and even family identify them as such?
I am a chronically ill disabled person who tries to identify as a valid human. No more and no less.

On my good days, or rather the few manageable days, not actually good, not ever pain free, not remotely easy, I may go out, try to behave and act ‘normal’, maybe even to onlookers seem like I am almost happy, possibly committing the offence of portraying someone who on these rare occasions is guilty of presenting as enjoying life.

Sadly though there are too many people who know just how ill I am, some of these people that have even very recently tried to discredit me, by reporting to officialdom that I have dared to leave my house, that I have been seen smiling, that I have interacted with a few other folk face to face, that I have gone beyond the unwritten yet imposed barrier that should be recognised as my, imposed by their judgement, prison.

These people sadly were once counted as my friends, but then when we had a disagreement, at that point it seems, they showed their true colours.

They are people who are fully aware of my daily challenges, they know beyond doubt that I live in constant pain, that I cannot focus, often even to the point of holding a conversation without losing my point, they know I have had two recent and severe heart attacks, they know I had angina before that, they know I have uncontrolled diabetes, that i try to keep some control off through my dietary restrictions but more so insulin, they have seen the effects upon me of a hypo and know this same diabetes killed my young brother. They know I have crohns disease which can cause me to soil myself, means i at times need pads but also means i am on medication that removes any immune system I may have, that i have had to subject my body to chemotherapy drugs, and live with the detrimental effects of those.
These are people who know I have limited mobility, that I am physically unable to undertake the most basic of tasks. These are folk that also know I have neuropathy – nerve damage due to my diabetes, I have fibromyalgia and even say they understand this because they too or their partners suffer from it.
They are fully aware I have PTSD from holding my dead kid brother (he was 18yrs my junior and like a son).
They say they know and supposedly share the feelings of hopelessness, loss of reason and all too often the very real wish not to be alive any longer, that the all too often killer, depression brings with it.

These are people who know a lot about me, they are fully aware that illness stole my job, career my role, they often stated (when they needed something), how they recognised how hard things are.
They said they realised how illness steals your relationships, especially with family. They know I not only lost my reason to be here, but in doing so, I lost a very well paid career, had to give up a comfortable life style to survive on virtually nothing. To have my life dictated by what those nameless office workers decide I should be allowed to do, when I am not lay immobile in my home, unable to move or even reach the toilet.

These are people, one or two, who used to even call me “brother”, as did I them, a title you will hopefully realise I see as extremely important, and not throw away, yet, decided because I saw them for who they truly are, (one a supposed ‘man’ who actually bullies women, not his own partner as far as i am aware, because he is not strong enough to face other men even ones as weak as myself, he has issues with, ) to try to get me in some form of trouble with the government and their agencies by fabrication and lies.
They believe they have a right to behave like that to anyone more vulnerable than them, because they are told every day they are, through the press, media and so many TV programmes.

These people are not one offs, they are not an isolated example, in the old days, as in prior to the 21st Century, these turncoat betrayers would be seen as the lowest of the low. They would be the ones isolated by entire communities, their behaviour would not be tolerated, they would be seen as the low life vile bullying immoral scum they are, yet now people though observing their behaviour, stand by without comment or action. It seems the morality of society has changed.

We now live in a world where the weak and vulnerable are not only easy but valid targets. Where the ill and disabled are seen as useless, or worse as frauds.

My message to people like these is please feel free to live my life, take my pain, accept that as you are, as described in your medical files frail and feeble. Please take on the role of a person without hope, of someone relying on others every day to survive.

I once spent everyday supporting people, protecting the most vulnerable, investigating the most vile, from those who would physically, emotionally or sexually abuse people, even having to interact with those who are seen by most moral folk as repugnant scum, to ensure the safety of children, of families, of women and even men by identifying their abusers and finding ways, through the courts, through law, through signposting and even through physically going, giving them the means to transport them, to assist them to escape, helping them disappear even during the dead of the night to ensure they are taken to a place of safety where their lives would be allowed to continue rather than them being murdered, raped or beaten through cultural traditions or laws.

That was my role, that along with my family was my reason, my self worth my value, not ever anything material.
Before that I drove buses, transporting people to school, work, shopping, holidays or too see friends or family.
I have dressed as a dustbin for Keep Britain Tidy, I have worked in a sweat shop in Manchester, I even started out as a care assistant at 16 looking after folk that could no longer look after themselves.
Throughout my life I have tried to matter, to make a difference. At times I hope I may have changed lives, even saved a few, whether as a social worker ,a friend or through Volunteer Riders UK. I don’t know whether I have though, because how can you measure that?
Despite trying to live a moral and kind life, to walk a path that hurts no one, I as so many others am subjected to this oppressive bullying by people who it seems feel they have a right to destroy the lives of others.
What these people need to understand though, is that no matter how much damage they do, they will never take away as much as what living with chronic illness does.
Today I was supposed to be going away with the support of my closest and best friend, Kate, who also provides me with care, compassion and focus. We both have had a challenging few years in our own ways, but she has continued to make sure I get to live a little when I can.
My anxiety, however, has teamed up with my physical issues and left me unable to go. One of the last times I went away, my brother died. The guilt I carried for not being here before it was too late is immense and consumes me every single day.
So instead of going away, I am sat writing this on my sofa, having just had a hypo because I failed to eat.
Now I haven’t written this as a woe is me. I wrote this because it is scraping the surface of my experience of life as a chronically ill man in this country, a country where all disabled people are threatened and vilified by so many , from officialdom to friends, to even family.
I can only write about my own experiences, and sadly it is one of being subjected to bullying and discrimination daily. Often from those you once trusted.
I don’t want hugs, I don’t want sympathy or favour. I want you to read this brief extract and if you too are disabled, realise you are not alone, and if you are not ill maybe consider that those of us who are,may not be the waste of air you see.
Jonesy

Depression

What I truly despise about PTSD, depression, anxiety, loss, pain, crohns, my heart issues and fibro is people see them as inconsequential and choices. They assume if you dare to share their effects upon you that you are being weak or attention seeking.

Well Saturday I was being strong by letting folk know through my posts. I was fighting one of the hardest enemies any of us can face, ourselves.

I did not do any of the things my mind was telling me, no actually demanding I do. I reached out and some fabulous folk recognised it was bad and responded, some people missed it and sadly a very few others likely didn’t care. Some of those particular people being those that share all the supposed mental health awareness posts.

That’s no matter now, I got through the weekend, I am still here, I am not suddenly well though, every single day right now is a constant battle where triggers, walls, mist, and blocked pathways are the weapons my brain uses to overwhelm my decision making, my motivation and sadly too often my argument to take another breath.

I am no worse off than countless others, and probably better off than many in some ways, and I promise this in so many ways is not about me, its about not being too late to recognise friends and just how things are developing for them.

I fight each day, for me it would really be so easy, a simple extra this, or more of that. I have sat planning far more than once, but so far on the whole have been able to find another road that may offer even if briefly some small semblance of hope.

I see folk and they see a joker, a confident possibly arrogant self opinionated bloke, with good friends and a nice bike. And yes that I’d mainly the me I choose to project when out and about, but I absolutely swear that is only 5% of the true me.

I have remained here with difficulty by remembering I am a parent and son, but recently I have begun to realise in my case that is not how I am seen by those involved in those relationships, so that defence wanes daily.

The person I project face to face is possibly the me I would like to be, however the one I am is fighting a constant war withing a limbo of despair and clouds.

I like everyone have little say in how long I remain, and it may be minutes, days, months or decades, in some ways its no longer about length of time, its about manner, whether I continue to hold my own or whether the illnesses prevail.

Today I am not finding holding on as hard as Saturday, but it still is a struggle and the inner conflict rages on and on.

Jonesy.

‘2020’ hindsight, still a bit fuzzy?

Remember if we had locked down in February, if we had not had a corrupt government giving mates contracts and paying them our money to steal from us, if we had a prime minister and opposition with a backbone, if we had mandatory masks in February, closed schools, airports, ferries, stopped unnecessary travel even if it was to drive across the UK to test our eyes, if we had a primate minister who did not hide, a government that told the truth, that followed medical guidence, that put human life before their bank accounts and status amongst their friends, Royals that had the guts to shout ‘no’ rather than saying they want to be reincarnated as a killer virus, if we had a nation of people with common sense, prepared to social distance, wear masks rather than stand clapping the nurses, doctors, paramedics, keyworkers as those very live savers died on their feet, if we had a media that itself did not publish fake news and propaganda, if we had a government that had not run down all the health and social care services in the name of Austerity whilst paying for missiles we can never use, if we had focused upon our real enemies instead of a few refugees and migrants, not hating folk because of their gender, sexuality, race, culture, ability, if we had prioritised our families and not our possessions, then maybe, just maybe so many families would not be feeling the pain of loss, the fear of loss, the anxiety of even opening their doors. If we did not live in a country that treats its sick, elderly, disabled and vulnerable as scum, a drain, expendable maybe we would have seen the warning signs and acted upon them.
Yes hind sight is always ‘2020’ , (ironic hey) but looking back it’s easy to be made to believe the mistakes were accidental, not the fault of those in charge, unavoidable.
Just to be clear, the Conservative Government, the Prime Minister, the Leader of the Opposition, the press, and the businessmen asset stripping the UK made no ‘accidental mistakes’. Their behaviour was and is deliberate. They are culpable. They should be accountable, but unless we hold them to account now they will kill many many more.
Jonesy

Disabled scrounging scum?

Let’s be fucking clear, no one would fake chronic illness or disability to live on benefits and be VILLIFIED by society. Get a fucking grip with your pathetic ‘scroungers’ rhetoric. I would hapilly swap my pain with any knob head if it meant regaining my self worth, self respect, health, career and be able to walk in the countryside, climb the mountains, hike the peaks, swim, camp, canoe and dream.
I will give you my illnesses if it means I can regain hope.
So wake the fuck up. People living on benefits are not scroungers, they are not putting it on, they are not faking it. And before you say…. But I know….. Ask yourself are you their fucking doctor, their consultant, their specialist. Do you clean up their faeces, their vomit, help them dress, keep them from taking their lives due to despair?
Do you see them on the bad days, know the pain they fight through to appear ‘normal’?
Have you understanding of fear of being judged, watched, called, criminalised for daring to have odd days you cope with your constant pain?
Do you realise that illness and disability mean you can’t plan even today, nevermind tomorrow or next week. You lose friends due to being unreliable. You lose relationships if you dare to show your weakness.
Do you have a clue the damage the meds that keep you alive do to your body, loss of teeth, hair, libido, sensation, motivation or joy.
Do you even now with lockdown truly get what isolation really means, what social anxiety it, how brain fog confuses, disempowers and makes you feel like you dare not speak?
How being unable to do the most basic excersise and the drugs you take pile weight on so you live in a constant catch 22 life.
How every day you are at risk of taking too many or too less meds, where you fight each minute not to kill yourself, despite having planned and readied the tools needed to take your life?
Do you understand how a simple thing, a look, a word, a smell, a place, a Xmas decoration can trigger, causing panic or despair?
Sadly unless you live it, experience it you will never understand it. Why sadly? Because without understanding it or having empathy towatds those living it you will no doubt continue to judge us, to attack us, to reduce us to in your mind sub human scum.
Well we ain’t, we are as entitled to respect as you, we are as valuable to this world, this society, our communities and families as you.
Our lives matter as much as yours, just sadly so many of you fail to see that.
So before you do judge us take a moment and realise it’s you that is the arsehole not the person you seek to bully and put down.
We don’t ask for pity just the respect we all as humans deserve.
The chronically ill and disabled are true warriors and each day may be our final battle.
Jonesy Jones

Stop with the anti-mask rubbish please

Just for your info, me along with several thousand other folk have since early in this pandemic been trying to save the lives of front line staff, the disabled, nurses, doctors, teachers, children, chronically ill, carers, the elderly and all those people that matter to you.
We have not done this for profit, not even for cost or expenses, we have done it totally free because people have rallied to put others first.
So forgive me if I find your anti-mask, anti social distancing, conspiracy theories beyond mildly offensive.
I base my knowledge upon actions, upon talking to professionals, upon steering front line and hospital staff away from suicidal thoughts because of the pressure they are under.
Yes mistakes are made daily, usually by those putting profit before people. Yes the government have failed the people due to their corrupt and inept dealing. Yes the Conservatives have manipulated facts and used the pandemic as an excuse to strip our rights and asset strip our country, but Covid19 is real, it is on the rise and it is killing folk. All your not using common sense will achieve, is increasing the risks to yourselves, your families, your friends, your colleagues and your communities.
So yes question every decision the government makes, sift out the pathetic profiteering from their actions but use your brains.
Wear a mask, keep your distance, wash your hands and keep everyone safe.
And please don’t tell me masks don’t help, they are I admit not a HASMAT suit, but try spraying water through one, then the same amount of watrr without one. Given C19 is passed through droplets it’s kinda a nobrainer.
Jonesy

Dilemma of hate

For those not aware, yesterday I had a run in with a guy selling nazi merchandise, this was not a piece of militaria, was not historic, it was a red banner with a white circle and swastika along with a picture of Hitler printed on the red with the dates he was in power.
The only reason for this to exist was for modern NAZI’s to celebrate Hitler, and to promote fascist beliefs.
I asked for it to be removed as the car boot is multicultural with people from all cultures including Jewish, Roma, Muslim, Christian…. The list goes on, there were also many disabled people their too, remember nazi eugenics? My request to the stall holder was refused, I was persistent and admit I ended up raising my voice to him as he defended the banner. A woman told me I was more offensive than Hitler and another stall holder threatened to take me down the field and beat me up.
None of the other customers at the sale defended my stance even though they stood around watching the scene. My friend however did
My best friend and carer was with me and she too felt threatened by the mob mentality.
The car boot organiser finally but reluctantly asked the stall holder to take the banner down then belittled me for challenging him. He also went on to say people could sell and display anything they wanted to. I explained that I had been threatened by another stall holder too and again was belittled by the organiser a man on his fifties who at this point reverted to a 15yr old school ground bully.
I had called the police as felt we were about to be assaulted but as usual they failed to attend.
My post about the events has gone viral and I have had many positive responses to my actions, however I also have had a very few negative ones, not I hasten to add by anyone that knows me.
I did not challenge this hate for fame, nor for any other motive than refusing to accept the rise of fascism in Britain and this modern world.
I have been anti fascist all my life and was active in the 1980’s with Anti-Nazi League and other anti hate groups.
I have worked all over the UK with all cultures, faiths, abilities and have always been anti discriminatory in my practice and my life.
I am not a terrorist though for some reason Antifa is seen as a terrorist organisation yet seemingly many fascist ones are not.
My dilemma is that now I have made a stand people want to stand with me, alongside me and want me to be interviewed, be public in regard to my actions. I am being warned against this by the people that care about me, as the Right Wing are often violent, aggressive and threatening. That by making my stand and continuing to stand against hate I am not just putting my self at risk, a risk I am willing to take, but also putting my family and friends in harms way.
As I said I am not scared for me, but after losing my young brother I cannot ever consider losing anyone else, especially through my actions and beliefs. My stubborness.
So do I carry on pushing to change our society at the very least, which I will always so in some way, or do I put my head down and live ashamed of what I might have done.
Yes backing down may also help my clinical anxiety which currently  is extreme due to yesterday, but not my depression nor my self respect.
So what the hell do I do. I did not plan to challenge this, but there was no reality where I could have just walked by.
I have always been proud of my grandparents, living through and fighting in the second world War. Whatever the government reasons for war were, the British people fought and died alongside of all the other allied nations to rid the world of the blind hate fascism brings and pushes upon us.
If I don’t now make my stand how on earth can I hold my head up to their memory or that of Rob my brother, who for all his faults shared my belief in fighting hate.
Jonesy

My fight

Well here we go again, that struggle of having big plans (not huge to be honest but big for me as in getting out there) being cancelled due to weather, pain, exhaustion or other less publishable (yep spell check I know, I know but I made this word up so still valid) reasons.
I am in a good but thoughtful mood. Little iffy about going anywhere due to actions of another that has increased the daily struggle of life tenfold and has made me feel that I cannot dare relax even in my own home. Those actions now taken from me my outlets from my ilness’ even on my better or good days. For that along with even worse behaviour they will never be forgiven.
So every day now will be more problematic. Another barrier to tumble over before I can do more than exist.
People do not tell you how being ill, physically weaker strips all your other defenses from you. They do not express how much your previous self worth and respect really does mean. You have no idea yourself until you lose it.
Our society views the sick and disabled as worthless and even worse lazy good for nothing scum that drain the countries resources. Why do people thing like that? Because they are told to do so by the press, government and even soaps.
A very few years ago the laws were changed to incorporate a new type of offence ‘hate crime’ however I was told by a stolid chap from Derbyshire Constabulary a few months ago that was really only used in cases of ‘racism’. To that officer I say Tosh! Any crime against a person that singles them out through discriminatory behaviour is ‘hate crime’.
Hate takes many forms but when the detrimental actions of another solely are carried out to build upon and expose them further to a vulnerability that is due to that person being identified as belonging to a sociological minority group it can be vile. I now feel as if my home is may not be home much longer. That the things I gained throughout my working life I will now be judged as not worthy to own. That the means of escaping my illness’ on those extremely rare good days will be either lost or used as a reason for the ultimate sanction.
Every day is a struggle to get up and face the world but now far more so. Paranoia of strangers, feelings of unease, a fear of the postman, and loss of what remaining confidence I had been able to muster, mean that I now believe I should only function in ‘safe mode’.
I have lost the pride I had in my home, the security of knowing this was my home. I cannot find the energy to challenge it any longer.
I said at the beginning I am in a good mood, I am. I awoke with a pleasant demeanour and wish ill upon no one. Despite the issues I have written here I am not sad nor low. I am being a realist. I recognise this as my lot and know that many tens or even hundreds of thousands here in Britain and millions within our world are in far worse positions than me. I realise that they each cope on a daily basis and strive to survive. I admire each and every one of them. For my real weakness beyond all else is that of my own values, my non acceptance of this reality. I fear no one else, but scare the willies out of myself. I do not often see such darkness in others. I have compassion, I truly do but also recognise the sociopath deep inside that will never accept this person I have become that exists in a deteriorating shell that once was a living keep, now but a Bastille of the worst kind.
I am in that affable state of realisation. Of knowing where I was and where I am now. These words are a rambling, they are not deep as some may interpret, nor an indication of a dark depression. They are me using words to express and make sense of. So why publish them if not some cry for help? Because when I write my true feelings others thank me for it often expresses their thoughts also. It helps to see we are not alone, that others fight this daily fight, their battles may be subtly different but the losses are as high and the outcomes oft become the same.
So if you too have a war within, the inner warrior that wants to gain victory over their current health, i can say with true honest you are not alone. Nor ever will be. If you are trapped in a limbo that seems to have no chance of escape take heed we too are an army, just one without a recognisable general.
I will always be here for anyone that needs me, for that truly is my self worth, my purpose. It is who I always was and still am. I may face my daily challenge, and yes others may chose to exploit each vulnerability I have but with every breath I take I will remain a protector, I will live by my morality and will not dishonor myself. They may not be your values, your choices but they are mine. So I continue my fight and within that will always stand to fight for others too. That is who I am. I am me, I am Jonesy.
Sorry for this long unabridged rant but I needed it.
Jonesy.