Rock bottom.

Trigger warning.

I have just been asked by GP to describe what rock bottom feels like.

Well right now it is wanting to not be here. Not going to do anything to make it happen but wish could stop breathing. Would truly just love not to exist.

My eyes are sore from welling up, my angina is constant, my one wish would be to have never been in this reality.

I have bizarrely right now no anxiety, because if death made an appearance I would happily look him in the sockets and talk about whatever he wanted to, as we walked into eternity.
All I have within me is pain that sends its signals across the empty void within me.

What has caused this?
Memories of holding my kid brother moments after he died,feeling the warmth of his greying skin  and the sweat brought on by the resus staffs vain attempts to bring him back. Knowing I would never again hold him, that blonde haired kid I changed nappies for, I called my freddy.

From the constant pains of chronic illness, the embarrassment of crohns, the constant stress upon my body from blood sugars ranging from 2.8mml to 38mml. The shortness of breath from COPD AND asthma. The exhaustion and constant pain of fibro, the fear through anxiety, the loss of hope depression brings on but exacerbated by the realisation that I will never be the man I wanted to be, never achieve my goals, never be anything other than this shade I now am. The sudden triggers of PTSD.

From the frustration empathy brings, and the bombardment of hatred thrust into my face from people who assume to call me brother.

Most of all the cause of this hope I hold of never having to awake again is by the realisation that to my sister,my parents and worse my son and daughter all I have truly been is a weak feeble joke, an excuse of a human, a failiure as a brother, a son and a father.

As I said I am not going to take my life for I have no motivation for even that. I just scream within in the hope the void finds me soon

That’s my rock bottom.

I was then asked what I thought would make things better or help. Medication, counselling, the crisis team?

In truth……nothing