Fog of despair

Brain fog is truly pissing me off. I feel ostracised by friends because I forget things. Social anxiety is through the roof. I am sat here with nothing to do, less pain than usual, but cannot think beyond my door step. Scared to leave the house today so far. I am battling it. Even when with friends feeling a complete outsider.
I could get on the bike and ride somewhere, anywhere. I just have no confidence in myself today.
Maybe irs partly not wanting to leave as won’t want to come back?
I know some already thinking shut the hell up, stop droning on. Some will ridicule. And some do care.
I am feeling like I don’t really know my own mind, nor am I even sure I want to.
Every day I try to be positive and even on my very worse days of late have at least attempted not to put on folk or bare my soul.
I try to give support to anyone, but today see my defence weakening, my ammunition against depression and especially now my anxiety being depleted. Battles are harder to fight, the war may soon be lost.
Yes I am miserable, I am whining, I am self obsessed it seems, but this is who I have become through losing my purpose.
Your pain likely is worse than mine, I am not competing, mine has worn me down.
I do escape, I do push myself to pretend, but not sure I can for much longer.
People think “he rides a bike so can’t be ill”, luckily those folk are not my GP or consultants, all who continue to tell me to keep riding for physical mobility and for a break from mental overload.
I know according to society I just should sit in my wheel chair un moving unless to pee in a bottle. Yes I have a wheel chair, no I don’t use it because I have been physically attacked from using my crutches. If I need my chair I stay in my house. That’s my prison on those days.
I come across on here as confident, as a bit daft, as a git maybe? I wish I were. I have passed up on opportunities both social and more because I do not feel worthy to be here.
I still battle every day to remain, but when try to talk to those who should be there I am told to shut up, to not talk like that. I am reminded my words, my truth upsets them. They might end it off with “I love you though”.
I have phases where I feel OK, where I am with those who genuinely are glad to be around me. But that is once again becoming rare.
This post is not for attention, its not for sympathy or “hugs”. I cannot just pull myself together, I cannot hold my chin up. It will not Al come out in the wash. This is what is left of me. It’s not the human I want to be. I want to belong in this world but feel every day more like I don’t.
I am not planning to do anything silly, I am not crying out for attention or help. I am simply letting the world know how I feel most of the time.
Today may be the first day of the rest of my life or it may be at the spectrums other end. I truly do not know.
I have waited and waited for change, but society is broken, hate and the l’m all right Jack’ attitude prevails. I try to promote love, compassion and kindness through my own deeds but see how much I am failing in that.

When I was a child in school I never thought I would reach forty. I have beat that, but maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I should have given up when I still had a marriage, still had my kids and was just an anonymous drone.
Will life change? I actually can’t see it doing so. Well not in any good way.
Sorry for all this if you chose to read it. I chose to post it because possibly someone may realise they are not alone in their thoughts. That others see the world through the same barbed wire and smoke.

Yes I know I am depressed. I have spoke to my GP. I was turned down for support even upon appealing to them. So no comments about talking to anyone. I am not suicidal as writing this, just being a realist.
Please don’t attack me as cannot take any more. I am not being critical of others, just self actualisation of my true value to the universe.
I was working through this but can’t see any light.
Sorry again.

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Jonesy the Dog of Socialism

I am in my 50's (ok 51), I have life challenges but still continue to be a father, a biker, a socialist and a human being. I fight hate and injustice in any way I can. I am me.

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