OK apology time. This last week has been a bit of a shit one, it hit me and set off the black dog and his side kick anxiety pup. I am much better today but bombarded my time line with dark thoughts.
Things could be much worse for me, but I guess it’s about
the ‘now’ perspective. It’s the now that triggers the grey mist, the cold stone walls and isolates head from rational.
I still feel isolated and even though not physically well enough to ride at the moment the knowledge of no bike on the road does have a huge impact upon my mind set. My bikes are my escape from the effects of chronic illness. Without them things get unbearable for me, and it’s only how I am, others will have other ways of managing their illness.
Now depression is an illness. It is as immobilising as my Crohns, Fibromyalgia, Svt, Neuropathy, COPD and more likely to kill me than any of these or even my Diabetes. I have no control of how I feel, I cannot turn it on or off.
Before social media I would likely have had to just lock myself away, suffer in silence and hope someone noticed before the illness took me.
Now however for me it is easy to rant of Facebook. I can reach out and some folk reach back.
My anxiety rarely leaves and really I am only confident when with friends and even then feel unworthy of them.
My depression, anxiety and more physical illness’ are no worse than those of many others and probably significantly less. But the effects upon me destroy my self worth, take my confidence, and allow despair to seep away any motivation or resolve.
I guess I mourn for the Simon (Jonesy) I once was. Its a grief I feel guilty for feeling.
I know when I am low I come across as self indulgent, weak and pathetic, maybe that’s who I have become, but it’s not who I strive to be. Not the person I want to be remembered as.
So here is the apology, I am sorry to the family and friends I worry, I upset, I irritate and anger.
I truly have no control of my mood. My interactions when low or ill are I realise negative and winey.
I still fight each day to find reason to remain in this life. In the even I lose that battle there will be no failure from me, but no guilt for those who care about me. It will simply be that the illness has won. Nothing more.
Today is more positive. I shall tidy my house and despite pain and exhaustion I am determined to focus effort upon fixing a bike. Might not end well but gonna try.
I am again sorry and if alienated any of you, well that’s something I shall despise myself for as never my intention.
There are times I wish folk could see into my heart and soul, I wish they could come in and drag the former me out. But reality is that once depression has took hold it is very difficult to break away from.
I can’t hold my ‘chin up’ and cannot just cheer up, I can’t pull myself together or just smile. It’s not how it works. Unless you have had this cruel illness you cannot know how debilitating it truly is. It’s not a case of onwards and upwards either or things not being that bad. It does not differenciate between good and bad.
It just is.
So again sorry. And to those of you that know how it is, remember you are not alone, you are not weak, and I am here for you as so many of you have been here for me.
Simon or Jonesy