As most of you know I am up and down at the moment physically & emotionally. I still will be here for anyone that needs me. But I am finding that my committing to anything more is impossible at this time.
I of late have felt a belonging with some dear friends who have made me feel important and valued but I have continually had to back out of arrangements with them due to physical health.
They are as always understanding but my lack of ability once again in my head makes me feel a useless outsider. I know this is not how i am seen but its how I see me.
This week I am on my third immobile housebound day. Its not getting any easier.
I get out of bed and collapse on sofa unable to even make a brew or dress without pain and exhaustion.
I need to realise this is my reality now. Hopes and aspirations are truly in my past. I feel less than whole, and every day teeter upon the parapet of a thousand mile high grey wall, one engulfed with impenetrable mist.
I wish there were options, I wish I could plan and arrange, that I could make some difference. Sadly not.
I am not depressed, today suicide was dismissed as an option, but I am not happy nor content either. I am taking each day a step at a time. It is all I can do.
Little things are insurmountable at the moment. I am falling into a pit of debt and anguish. I fear any knock on my door. I want to hide from reflections in the window. My phone rings and panic sets in.
I am not a weak man in many ways, I am not violent but have fought battles my entire life, sometimes illness, injustice, others nightmares, & my own, the system and those who oppress us. All of this has marked my life, but I do not seem to have the strength to continue much longer.