Not sure what to do now. Feel sick to the bone. Mood lower than been for a while, not seeing an future. Lay on sofa in going out gear unable to move. Its like a tsunami of dread and hopelessness has washed me away.
My inner strength no longer seems to exist. I look around what until now felt like home, but self preservation now sees it only as a house.
Everything I now have is at risk.
I have not chose this life, do not want to live like this, i want a career, my career back, i want my self respect and self worth, but illnesses have stripped me of those options.
Now this one brown envelope threatens to strip that last bit of security from me.
My illnesses caused depression and anxiety, now this has made things so unbearable in one simple form.
I try to rationalise what will happen and that its just a process, but in my heightened state all i can see is grey mist, a huge wall of grey stone and little people sitting at desks shooting at me whilst manically laughing.
The world outside my window suddenly is oppressive and scary. The tree in my front garden feels so much bigger and closer as if a sentinel guarding me from escape. My net curtains my only defense from prying eyes.
Even within this house only my sofa feels safe. I dare not move, expecting a knock upon my door from some uniformed officious ogre wanting me to move out with nothing to show for my 51 years.
Yes inside I know this makes no sense, but even deeper within me a dark weight has encompassed my very being.
I keep trying to remind myself I am a parent, but that no longer carries the strong resolve it used to, due to recent events.
I cannot decide whether there is still a fight within or just simple flight.
Yes one large brown envelope, with a reasonably short form, but with a possible path to oblivion hidden within its meaning.
The long fight endured up to now, the challenging, the appeals, the interviews and yes tribunal, the continued stripping away of all that made me feel human. The fear of living upon my good days.
And these forms arriving on a Saturday, designed it seems to enhance the effect of the cruelty.
To those who have no idea what this means, how this feels, I truly am glad for you, for my friends that have or will have endured this you have my empathy and support, however I truly do not know if I can deal with this, if I can put myself through any more. It already is nigh on impossible to see beyond a few days, I struggle to find reason to wake up. Never mind get up. I so often wish I never had to wake again.
I find constant pain draining, you may see me on a good day as being ok but am never without the aches in my limbs, the fire in my veins or the ice in my bones. I cannot go anywhere without a fear of not finding a loo in time. I carry drugs that if were not prescribed would have me locked up in an instant.
I then feel the guilt for my illnesses are not on their own likely to end my life, though some may do, but I can fight the illnesses for years and years, can adapt and survive, its this country, this society and this culture of oppression and helplessness i may not win against, the dark fears and despair that may yet end me.
This brown envelope my just be the straw unless I can find some hope. Some focus. See a happy ever after. Sadly not sure if I will.
I am sharing this as my feelings right now as I write them. I am sharing because I know how many of my wonderful friends have been or are going through this cruel process right now.
I can write my feelings, others cannot or will not.
Judge me as you will. Yes I do probably deserve your scorn, your loathing and contempt. If I offend then apologise.
All I know is how this has made me feel. I hope I can fight my way through it. But truly am not sure I will.