Well here we go again, that struggle of having big plans (not huge to be honest but big for me as in getting out there) being cancelled due to weather, pain, exhaustion or other less publishable (yep spell check I know, I know but I made this word up so still valid) reasons.
I am in a good but thoughtful mood. Little iffy about going anywhere due to actions of another that has increased the daily struggle of life tenfold and has made me feel that I cannot dare relax even in my own home. Those actions now taken from me my outlets from my ilness’ even on my better or good days. For that along with even worse behaviour they will never be forgiven.
So every day now will be more problematic. Another barrier to tumble over before I can do more than exist.
People do not tell you how being ill, physically weaker strips all your other defenses from you. They do not express how much your previous self worth and respect really does mean. You have no idea yourself until you lose it.
Our society views the sick and disabled as worthless and even worse lazy good for nothing scum that drain the countries resources. Why do people thing like that? Because they are told to do so by the press, government and even soaps.
A very few years ago the laws were changed to incorporate a new type of offence ‘hate crime’ however I was told by a stolid chap from Derbyshire Constabulary a few months ago that was really only used in cases of ‘racism’. To that officer I say Tosh! Any crime against a person that singles them out through discriminatory behaviour is ‘hate crime’.
Hate takes many forms but when the detrimental actions of another solely are carried out to build upon and expose them further to a vulnerability that is due to that person being identified as belonging to a sociological minority group it can be vile. I now feel as if my home is may not be home much longer. That the things I gained throughout my working life I will now be judged as not worthy to own. That the means of escaping my illness’ on those extremely rare good days will be either lost or used as a reason for the ultimate sanction.
Every day is a struggle to get up and face the world but now far more so. Paranoia of strangers, feelings of unease, a fear of the postman, and loss of what remaining confidence I had been able to muster, mean that I now believe I should only function in ‘safe mode’.
I have lost the pride I had in my home, the security of knowing this was my home. I cannot find the energy to challenge it any longer.
I said at the beginning I am in a good mood, I am. I awoke with a pleasant demeanour and wish ill upon no one. Despite the issues I have written here I am not sad nor low. I am being a realist. I recognise this as my lot and know that many tens or even hundreds of thousands here in Britain and millions within our world are in far worse positions than me. I realise that they each cope on a daily basis and strive to survive. I admire each and every one of them. For my real weakness beyond all else is that of my own values, my non acceptance of this reality. I fear no one else, but scare the willies out of myself. I do not often see such darkness in others. I have compassion, I truly do but also recognise the sociopath deep inside that will never accept this person I have become that exists in a deteriorating shell that once was a living keep, now but a Bastille of the worst kind.
I am in that affable state of realisation. Of knowing where I was and where I am now. These words are a rambling, they are not deep as some may interpret, nor an indication of a dark depression. They are me using words to express and make sense of. So why publish them if not some cry for help? Because when I write my true feelings others thank me for it often expresses their thoughts also. It helps to see we are not alone, that others fight this daily fight, their battles may be subtly different but the losses are as high and the outcomes oft become the same.
So if you too have a war within, the inner warrior that wants to gain victory over their current health, i can say with true honest you are not alone. Nor ever will be. If you are trapped in a limbo that seems to have no chance of escape take heed we too are an army, just one without a recognisable general.
I will always be here for anyone that needs me, for that truly is my self worth, my purpose. It is who I always was and still am. I may face my daily challenge, and yes others may chose to exploit each vulnerability I have but with every breath I take I will remain a protector, I will live by my morality and will not dishonor myself. They may not be your values, your choices but they are mine. So I continue my fight and within that will always stand to fight for others too. That is who I am. I am me, I am Jonesy.
Sorry for this long unabridged rant but I needed it.
Jonesy.
Extinction
Here’s my thought for the day. Being disabled, sick and vulnerable in Britain today is not just scary but petrifying. My disability and illness are by no way extreme when compared to those having to be lived with by many I know or know of. I still have some days, though quite rare, where I can almost live as I used to. Where I can get out, ride a bike, even very rarely camp. These days are few and far between and usually come with a physical, mental and yes an emotional cost but I would never give those opportunities up.
For many they do not even get the odd respite, and for some each day is an actual fight for life. Most of the time we exist rather than live. We draw breath, eat (some of us), sleep (some of us), lay in bed or on the sofa and depend upon the kindness and friendship of others to communicate and feel part of the outside world. That is existing. For some its far worse.
Now disability provision is signposted with a sign depiction a wheelchair. What I have learned the hard way is not all disabilities are that visible. I spoke to a man yesterday that seemed no different to anyone else, yet he is in the ongoing stages of a terminal cancer. You would not know that. I sadly have several friends with that form of illness. Some are survivors, some will survive and devastatingly some will not. All are fighters beyond anything those without that horror will ever imagine.
My illness’ restrict me and my decisions, they have stolen my career and my self respect. They have robbed me of my virility and self image. They have taken from me a lot of what I see as my essence of being not just a human but a man. I appear on here as opinionated, confident and I hope intelligent at times, however my memory is shot, I forget I am cooking or have taken my meds, I forget to fill in forms and although can speak up on others behalf cannot on my own. Today I cannot even lift a coffee cup without it shaking as if there is an earth quake. Today my pain levels are high which likely means hitting my strongest meds. Not an easy thing to choose to do.
I can never plan in advance which has cost me massively, from credibility to long term friendships. If I say I will do something, even a phone call I often don’t, not through choice but because I truly cannot either for physical, mental, exhaustion or because emotionally I cannot speak to anyone.
As I say my life is no where near as difficult and painful as those of others.
So anyway why this rant? Well each day we are informed of more cuts to services, to the NHS and to the (hate this term) ‘benefits’ that we need to survive upon. There is no ‘benefit’ to being ill. The money people claim is what we all deserve. I worked until three years ago, I paid into a system designed to be a safety net for those in need. I never imagined I would need to make a claim but paid National Insurance and tax every minute I worked. Lets just consider that term, National Insurance. It is an Insurance policy we all have to take out once we earn. A policy that always should pay out when its needed. You cannot run a policy then just change the rules once its required can you? Well Mrs May seems to think you can. She and her cabinet of fraudsters, corrupt politicians of the worst kind are waging a war, no that’s wrong, a genocide upon the weak, sick and disabled. She and her party are literally killing off thousands of our friends and family on a daily basis. People who deserve the support of the nation are being vilified and made out to be draining the public funds (those same funds I spent over thirty years paying into). The reality however is the only people stripping the UK of assets, commodities, that’s money and property, are the rich. This fake need for austerity was fabricated after we had to ‘bail out’ corrupt bankers, when their fraudulent dealings went awry. That was an opportunity for the rich to use that ‘bail out’ to create a fabrication and lie which they use now to steal what is the nations, ours, from us.
People as I said are dying daily. We know this but the majority choose to ignore it. It’s some perverse ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude. Well think about it folks, when did this eradication of the weak lead last time? Germany 1936?
We are supposed to learn from history but clearly we do not.
So why are we the sick, the disabled, the vulnerable – and actually I used the term the ‘weak’ but the reality is that none of us are weak, each breath we draw proves that, so fearful? Because to many of you now we are valueless. We are a monetary statistic to be ignored and wiped from existence. You may keep a door open at the sight of a stick, crutches or wheelchair, you may think kindly of your ill cousin, maybe even occasionally take your poorly neighbour a bowl of soup, but you have allowed us to become the victims of the state. Disabled were always fighters not victims, but you all continue by inaction to ensure this government makes us so.
What next is your choice, you are the people, and even an individual voice or action may be the catalyst for something much bigger. Its up to you.
Jonesy.
extinction
Here’s my thought for the day. Being disabled, sick and vulnerable in Britain today is not just scary but petrifying. My disability and illness are by no way extreme when compared to those having to be lived with by many I know or know of. I still have some days, though quite rare, where I can almost live as I used to. Where I can get out, ride a bike, even very rarely camp. These days are few and far between and usually come with a physical, mental and yes an emotional cost but I would never give those opportunities up.
For many they do not even get the odd respite, and for some each day is an actual fight for life. Most of the time we exist rather than live. We draw breath, eat (some of us), sleep (some of us), lay in bed or on the sofa and depend upon the kindness and friendship of others to communicate and feel part of the outside world. That is existing. For some its far worse.
Now disability provision is signposted with a sign depiction a wheelchair. What I have learned the hard way is not all disabilities are that visible. I spoke to a man yesterday that seemed no different to anyone else, yet he is in the ongoing stages of a terminal cancer. You would not know that. I sadly have several friends with that form of illness. Some are survivors, some will survive and devastatingly some will not. All are fighters beyond anything those without that horror will ever imagine.
My illness’ restrict me and my decisions, they have stolen my career and my self respect. They have robbed me of my virility and self image. They have taken from me a lot of what I see as my essence of being not just a human but a man. I appear on here as opinionated, confident and I hope intelligent at times, however my memory is shot, I forget I am cooking or have taken my meds, I forget to fill in forms and although can speak up on others behalf cannot on my own. Today I cannot even lift a coffee cup without it shaking as if there is an earth quake. Today my pain levels are high which likely means hitting my strongest meds. Not an easy thing to choose to do.
I can never plan in advance which has cost me massively, from credibility to long term friendships. If I say I will do something, even a phone call I often don’t, not through choice but because I truly cannot either for physical, mental, exhaustion or because emotionally I cannot speak to anyone.
As I say my life is no where near as difficult and painful as those of others.
So anyway why this rant? Well each day we are informed of more cuts to services, to the NHS and to the (hate this term) ‘benefits’ that we need to survive upon. There is no ‘benefit’ to being ill. The money people claim is what we all deserve. I worked until three years ago, I paid into a system designed to be a safety net for those in need. I never imagined I would need to make a claim but paid National Insurance and tax every minute I worked. Lets just consider that term, National Insurance. It is an Insurance policy we all have to take out once we earn. A policy that always should pay out when its needed. You cannot run a policy then just change the rules once its required can you? Well Mrs May seems to think you can. She and her cabinet of fraudsters, corrupt politicians of the worst kind are waging a war, no that’s wrong, a genocide upon the weak, sick and disabled. She and her party are literally killing off thousands of our friends and family on a daily basis. People who deserve the support of the nation are being vilified and made out to be draining the public funds (those same funds I spent over thirty years paying into). The reality however is the only people stripping the UK of assets, commodities, that’s money and property, are the rich. This fake need for austerity was fabricated after we had to ‘bail out’ corrupt bankers, when their fraudulent dealings went awry. That was an opportunity for the rich to use that ‘bail out’ to create a fabrication and lie which they use now to steal what is the nations, ours, from us.
People as I said are dying daily. We know this but the majority choose to ignore it. It’s some perverse ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude. Well think about it folks, when did this eradication of the weak lead last time? Germany 1936?
We are supposed to learn from history but clearly we do not.
So why are we the sick, the disabled, the vulnerable – and actually I used the term the ‘weak’ but the reality is that none of us are weak, each breath we draw proves that, so fearful? Because to many of you now we are valueless. We are a monetary statistic to be ignored and wiped from existence. You may keep a door open at the sight of a stick, crutches or wheelchair, you may think kindly of your ill cousin, maybe even occasionally take your poorly neighbour a bowl of soup, but you have allowed us to become the victims of the state. Disabled were always fighters not victims, but you all continue by inaction to ensure this government makes us so.
What next is your choice, you are the people, and even an individual voice or action may be the catalyst for something much bigger. Its up to you.
Jonesy.
Price of hate
Nobody has the right to deliberately take the life of another. Life is our most precious gift. Life should come before money, power or politics. Life as far as we know happens but once to us, we all have our own beliefs but all we can prove is our hear and now.
Now there is a caveat to that. If someone is intending to take the life or seriously injure another by their deliberate action then at that moment they have forfeited their right to life. In that split second that person has given permission for their life to be taken by another.
Now I have children, if anyone ever harmed them I would do everything in my power to visit retribution upon the true offender. And yes that may result in my voluntarily giving up my right to continued life. As a parent I would have no other option nor will.
Now yesterday a person that we currently believe had but a politically fuelled motive deliberately killed people who were going about their own lives. These people were sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and friends.
The person that did this at the point of instigation gave up his right to life. He did this as an individual, he likely believed he had reason, justification or the like, he may even have seen himself as some soldier of god, of a prophet, of his religion, culture, race or even political belief, but he targeted people that were non combatants in whatever war he was convinced he was fighting.
It is not known yet – to us at least – whether he was a lone gun or part of a bigger group. It is likely whatever his motives he was an extremist and had been convinced by circumstance or through the influence of others that he had this right.
He did not. The people he killed and injured were not his enemies. They may live as citizens of a nation that has bombed his family, killed his children, invaded his homeland, attacked his culture, waged war upon his village, town, country or region. These people may belong to a nation that supplies weapons that kill and maim, be part of a coalition that seeks to control and rule regions of the world for their own gain, but these people were not. Political representatives, warriors, or even decision makers. They were human beings whose only crime against this individual likely was their ignorance of actions that continue to be taken in their name under the false flag of ‘democracy and civilisation’.
None of these people deserved to die and this individual and if aided his accomplices have given up their own rights to life if found holding a weapon. If any are captured and found guilty then they should never see the light of day again. No ‘light sentencing’ or chance of ‘parole’. Life should absolutely be life. They made that choice.
Those killed and injured in this horrible attack have my total compassion and thoughts. I am truly sorry any human being has to feel the pain of losing someone they care for. No one should ever experience that due to deliberate actions of another.
This horror however cannot be allowed to focus more hate upon the Islamic people. I know a number of Muslims and they too will see the actions of this individual as abhorrent. They too will accept he gave up his right to life. They will condemn him as strongly as you or I. Because someone has a different belief, culture or skin than you does not make them evil, dangerous or your enemy. We are all people, we all feel pain, anguish and despair. We also all love, care and cherish.
People say to me ‘muslims are rude’. Well not in my experience, most of the time they are far more polite than me. They welcome us into their homes and will feed us before we leave. Not many of my mates do that.
They do often however walk around trying not to attract attention or even with false bravado, making themselves appear strong and confident, feigning the fight response of ‘fight or flight’ but if you were the target of hate that was openly promoted in the media, on social media and even by government, if you had no trust in those paid to support and even protect you, were living in a country where even though you were born here the majority see you as an immigrant, someone not belonging, the undeclared ‘enemy’, where you live in constant fear of attack, verbal or physical, wouldn’t you either be scared or pretend to be tougher than you are? I bloody would!
So the point being do not let this or any attack make you believe that hate is right, that you are justified in being abusive, cruel or violent. You are not.
Our country is acting as the world ‘police’ on the tail of America right now, our government are encouraging and involved in sales of weapons to anyone who can afford them in the Middle East, often arming both sides. We signed an agreement to end the use of land mines after the death of Dianna, but although we officially no longer use them we do still happily sell them. (the use of ‘we’ is the British Government and business’ ). We supply aircraft to one side then ground to air missiles to the other. Then once the money dries up we along with our allies (including vile oppressive regimes such as Saudi Arabia) go on the rampage ourselves, bombing and invading in the name of freedom. The only thing we actually make free is the resources of that region to ourselves.
We as a nation are not ‘good people’. In fact we likely are on the opposite side to ‘good’ these days, however it is hard to see that. We are brainwashed and influenced by everything from adverts to soaps, news papers to even the so called ‘free press’, which includes the extremely biased BBC.
We are told the weak and vulnerable are no longer those we should fight for, but those we need to fight against.
Now I can tell you this until I am blue in the face, but you need to look for yourselves, take an interest in the world around us, see the true enemy, those that want to dominate and control even us, they are not just Muslim, Hindu, jewish, or Christian, the real enemy is not a religion at all, its those that lie to us, that undertake cruel and horrible actions in our name, that have no compassion, whose god is greed. You know who these people are.
So again, violent death was an appropriate end to the perpetrator of yesterdays vile attack, none of those killed or injured deserved it in any way, my heart is with them and their loved ones. That is simple and absolute.
But do not allow that one piece of offal influence hate within you. Hate him, and his actions for he deserves that, but do not hate a people for his behaviour, or that of any extremists. Extremist is not representative. We all know that is why its called extreme.
Thanks for reading my words.
Jonesy.
Loneliness
Loneliness is a pain beyond compare
That knowing no one will be there
It hurts so deep within my aching breast
No longer can one fathom what may be best
Would it be better for me to rid all my ties
Just disappear with no protracted goodbyes
Live whats left as some well hidden hermit
Hide without licence or any camping permit
For no longer can I feasibly stand this pain
Sitting in a darkened room listening to rain
Time only marked by my slowing heart beat
Wishing it woult stop leaving just my meat
My life
My illness’ and disabilities are hidden. Most of the time when you see me you might look at me and think ‘he is not ill’ or ‘he is cheating the system’ or ‘he is a lazy bastard’. You know what on my good days, the only days you are likely to see me I perhaps would look in the mirror and agree.
What you do not see are the majority of my days where I may only move from bed to couch, if at all, where I have to almost crawl to the toilet, where I do not dare to bath or shower in case I get stuck. You do not see me fall off the toilet, you do not see me burn my food or leave the cooker on. You do not see me dehydrate not only because I cannot get up to make a drink but also because I am scared I will not have the energy to get to the toilet afterwards.
You do not see that I have a wheel chair, for on the days I need to use it I cannot because I have no energy to push myself along and will not because I have some twisted sense of dignity.
You do not see me awake all night because my skin cannot stand the rough touch of my duvet or the feel of the bobbling on a flannel sheet. Where cotton sheets feel like blunt razor blades cutting into me.
You do not see the mix of lava and ice that flows through my veins concurrently, making constant rivers of pain in my limbs and torso.
You do not see the ice that I am sure has developed throughout my feet and takes four hours to thaw out when I go to bed.
You do not see the fear I feel when people visit unannounced because of the shame I then feel at the mess because I have not been able to tidy up. Nor do you see the physical effort it takes for me to even answer the door or to make a cup of tea.
You do not see the constant thoughts of paranoia that someone will judge me to be a fraud on a good day so I then do not go out ‘just in case’.
You do not see the boredom or frustration at being in the house for days or even weeks on end due to my illness’ nor the feelings of being a prisoner.
You do not see the shame I have at claiming benefits after a lifetime of working, the anger at myself for being useless, for being pathetic and weak.
You do not see the horror of having to take meds each morning, the build up and reluctance.
You do not see the loss of value, self respect or hope I currently experience.
You do not see the breathlessness at the slightest effort, the worry of relationships because of the fear that health and meds mean I can no longer guarantee and erection. The inability to orgasm due to loss of feeling and the worry. The despair at my weight gain due to meds and inability to exercise. The way my penis looks because I had to have a circumcision due to diabetes. The bruising on my stomach and thighs because of injections.
You do not see my wheezing and panic because of my COPD and Asthma.
You do not see the nerve damage that causes pain and numbness in my feet, hands and legs due to Neuropathy.
You do not see the anxiety I feel each day that my money will be stopped or I wont be able to pay a bill.
You do not see the shame I feel when my ex wife calls me a cripple and tells me to limp off and die, claims my children see me as a joke (untrue as they do not) and tells me it is her and her new husband that are their real parents.
You do not see the anguish I feel facing people that were once friends.
You do not see my isolation, my loss of self.
You may see me on my crutches or with my stick. But you will not see the reason why.
You do not see my guilt of feeling like I do when so many are worse off and often fighting vile diseases for their very lives.
My illness’ are Fibromyalgia, Diabetes type two but insulin controlled), Neuropathy, Crohns disease, Asthma, Depression and Anxiety, COPD, SVT (heart) and several complications and side effects. I take meds that destroy my immune system so am susceptible to illness and virus.
The reason I have written this is to show how I cope or dont. Very few days go by where I do not think about just overdosing on my insulin. How easy it would be. There are times I have been a little blasé at regulating my doses but then I realise I am a parent and do not have that choice.
The Government are sanctioning people every day, stopping benefits and forcing them into poverty, desperation and yes suicide. Then the media, Channel 4, Channel 5, Sky and now the BBC in particular try to convince everyone that people that can walk, talk or that try to live rather than exist cannot be disabled. They try to get you to despise them. I can tell you I gave up a job earning very good money, a job that really made a difference in peoples lives, where I had self worth and value, I gave that up to live on benefits and be isolated in a council retirement bungalow at 49. Do you really believe that is through choice? Do you think I want to be ill? To feel useless and without any value? I am not saying I am without value but truly feel as such.
I am no worse off than others and much better than many. I do have my kids, and even though often a fractious relationship with other family I do have them.
I also have so many on here I call friend. But sadly far less locally. Those I do have I value beyond words and they know who they are.
So please when your judging people realise we judge ourselves far more, just because you do not see a disability or illness does not mean it is not there. I never expected to be like this. I have had to realise there is so much I wanted to do that I no longer can. Even simple things like walking on Bleaklow or Kinder again, using my push bike. Daft stuff. Things I took for granted.
So before you judge maybe ask, talk and discuss. I am not unique or special. My words fit many but even more peoples stories are far far worse.
Think about it.
Jonesy.
Turning cheek
Every day, sometimes even more frequently I am told or read of more discrimination, sanction, and torture of people whose only crimes are being poor, ill, disabled, retired, fearful, homeless, or vulnerable.
And we the Great British People just turn the other cheek and allow it to continue.
Yes I rant, yes I am angry, yes I am frustrated, and yes I am probably either annoying or boring you.
So feel free to hide your head. Refuse to stand up for what is right. I just hope you remember that when they come for you.
Jonesy
Mongrel nation
There is nothing wrong with protecting your cultural and national identity as long as it is not fuelled by hate and discrimination. Its that simple. Be proud of who you are, I am a mongrel mainly from England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales and possibly some french in the mix. I may have other bloodlines too. Infact I am sure I do.
I am proud of growing up in Manchester, of my mums roots from there. I am proud of my Scouse fathers background. I am glad I lived and worked in Cymru for many years.
I hate no one due to their skin or religious beliefs. If I hate it is extremists, the corrupt, the cruel and the murderous. That includes all kinds people of all genders , sexuality, ability …. well you get the idea.
Raising a flag of St George, St Andrew, a Welsh Dragon or the tri-colour of a free Éire. Is not racist. It is not offensive unless being waved as a banner to justify hatred, fear and loathing.
I truly believe people should be free to roam our world, I believe if barriers were lifted throughout the globe then no one country would be any more over populated than any other.
Some would choose to live and remain in the lands of their ancestors and others would brave new frontiers.
Sadly we do not live in that utopian dream. We live in a world of greedy rulers that spread false fear to breed hate.
That wage wars to gain more wealth and power.
If you do not see this then take a step back. It is on clear view.
Your choices I guess.
But the things I am most proud of are being a father, being a son, being a brother and uncle. Being a friend. Being human.
I am proud of my background and most of my choices.
I am proud of being me.
Jonesy.
Aunty Beeb
You would think with all the so called intellect at the BBC that they would realise that May has offered them up as a sacrificial goat to the slaughter. She and the Tories have been feeding their plants within the Corporation false promises based upon them selling their souls. Promises of autonomy but then planting ex party members in key positions. Rewarding propaganda with a shield from consequence.
All this however is purely to turn the nation against Aunty Beeb in order to offer it up as a distraction from their more vicious actions. People believe in TV land not reality. People will get angry if soaps are threatened but allow friends to die in poverty.
Its so simple its blatant. But the executives and editorial staff continue to play into the hands of this cruel regime.
#tory #BBC #Freedom #cruelty #corruption #vile #Trikerpoet
Jonesy
Dodo coup
Can we just use plain language. It is not a ‘soft coup’ its a betrayal pure and simple. A betrayal of the party, of us members and of our Country.
They are not on any moral crusade. Just out for themselves. They want to sustain their gravy train.
Treachery is the only way these vile people can now manipulate us. We must stand firm. Stand together. Remove them from their power base.
If we can revolutionise our party then we can win back our country too.
So troll the trolls, out the liars and the corrupt. Lets stand fast and draw our line. They shall not cross.
#JC4PM #Freedom #fairness #honesty #equality #socialism #Labour #Britain
#Jonesy #Trikerpoet
Jonesy
Jonesy, simply a human 