I keep thinking that cardiology must have got me mixed up with another, my heart is fine. Why the hell are they doing a triple heart bypass? Then the pain, the dizzyness, the nausea, the gasping for the next breath comes on, like a beach being invaded by billions of crustaceans. Oh yeah, that’s why!
People are always kind and telling me all positive stuff, and it does help, but it seems my chances are a bit less than most.
I have crohns disease, sadly no immune system due to the Crohns meds, now I am told after 30 years very out of control and misdiagnosed type 1 diabetes, that is in itself a big complication, I take several other meds for various other conditions.
The THB is not an elective op. It’s have it or die, it seems. But I still can not get it into my head.
I truly am not scared of death, I ride motorbikes, lol. It’s kind of the horror stories some folk feel the need to share, including a nurse at my pre-op, who told me about a guy who’s chest came apart after the op and he has to live with that, which unnerves me. But still it’s not even that which worries or rather upsets me the most, it’s my very very close to home estranged relatives, that know about how ill I am and still have made no attempt to contact, never mind speak to me.
If, and it really is, and only if, I do not survive this, I will go to my grave knowing they cared nought. It kills me, cuts to the bone, because I truly thought they felt some level or care or even empathy if not any love for me, my love for them is and always will be as strong as ever, its unconditional, but sadly my pride isnt. However, now I realise how easy it is to poison people’s minds against others with lies and manipulation. Sadly, there is in my experience no way of challenging that.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect, I allowed myself to be changed, or rather more truthfully, I really didn’t realise that grief had a huge destructive impact upon me. I did get very angry and frustrated at the needless loss of my kid (18yrs younger) brother. I blamed people who were hurting as much, if not more than me. At the time that blame seemed logical, but it truly wasn’t. Knowing now why things happened, I truly do understand. I will forever blame services, and in particular the nursing and medical staff at Chesterfield Royal Hospital NHS FT & Royal Primary Care and the doctor at Northwingfield medical practice, along with the social work staff Derbyshire County Council Adult Services, and let’s not forget the greedy corrupt politicians and their cuts made under the sham that was the lie of austerity, for letting him down and allowing/causing him to die as they did, in agony and confusion. I do not, however, blame my parents in any way. They did more than humanly possible to help him. He only survived as long as he did because of them. I will not, however, forgive myself, and that anger, aimed solely at me, remains.
So the next few months may and hopefully will be life changing. If all goes well, I may be able to live without wondering if this day will be my last. I have only in reality to last a couple more weeks or so to actually find that out.
I have people there for me, my soul mate, my folks, and many friends, and I am so glad and thankful for that.
As I said, truly, I am not afraid of not coming out, I have made it clear I will donate any organs that are usable, given my meds and the damage they do. I am only sad beyond words that the two people I wanted to be there in any way at all, have showed no interest, and if I do not survive they will have to live with that knowledge for ever more.
Sorry for making these thoughts public, but part of me believes there is a very big chance I won’t be able to, even on here, and possibly never in person.
Jonesy, simply a human 